In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I realized now that I am struggling – struggling on how to start, where to start.

“so you haven’t started your engine yet?”
“I’m not even sure if I’ve board the plane/car yet”
“well just remember you’re doing what you’re passionate about”
I forgot about that part.”

I found it hard and not easy to cope with what I’ve signed up for. “Like these challenges doesn’t get/clicked to you yet”. So I tend to slow down my pace which apparently left me behind. My passion is being clouded with worries and uncertainties that I no longer know myself anymore. What I see now is just black and white and mundane habits.

But then let me share an extract of a letter that a good friend of mine once gave me. Never really keen on writing/sharing it to anyone because I treated it like a sacred/special letter and no one else except me deserves to read it. But now I think everyone deserves this inpiring words:

Seek knowledge. Seeking it purely for the Allah’s sake is fearing Him; pursuing it is worshipping Him; discussing it is remembering Him; searching for it is Jihad; imparting it to others is charity; and spending it for the benefit of the family is affinity.
All this is because knowledge is the borderline between the lawful and the unlawful; the light to the inroads to heaven; the friend in isolation; the companion in travel, the person to discuss with in solitude, the guide in happiness and sorrow; bringer of peace to the enemy; and an ornament to the intimate friend.
With the power of knowledge Allah raises a people and makes them leaders of virtues. Their footsteps and deeds are imitated and people conclude with their opinions. The angels show anxiousness in their friendship and spread their wings for them. Every animate and inanimate prays for their salvation; the fish and creatures in the sea, the animals and beasts on the land, all ask for reputance for the learned. This is so because knowledge is equivalent to praying through the night. Knowledge brings one closer to his relatives and verses him with the facts of the lawful and the unlawful. Knowledge remains the leader while actions remain the followers. It inspires the fortunate and deprives the wicked” – Sayings of the Prophet (SAW) as reported by Mua’dh Ibn Jabal.

And it all came back. I chose this because I once said “I want to know things and their meanings and I want to find his love”. I knew the path would not be easy but there’s a solid unspoken reason why He let me through. Maybe I found the reason but maybe not just yet. I take economics because I want to know how the world works – be it microeconomics or macroeconomics because it deals with the distribution of resources. Now I realize everything we do is economical – maximise utility or opportunity costs. I chose politics not only to be part of the difference but I want to understand the meaning behind the rhetoric/oratory. It deals with the distribution of power or lack of it and by philosophy, it bridges the gap between the former two discipline.

It’s ok if you’re not used to read classic texts and make extensive notes of it – you just need practice, in-depth analysis and specific reference on each line. It’s ok if you don’t know much about the classic political thought – just try and keep up with you reading and understand the gist of it. Doesn’t matter if you find exploring the social science citation index and other database confusing – just focus on the subject area and target which articles are relevants. Strategize on your structure and make prioritisation. You might have planned everything but perhaps something else awaits you. So don’t be sorrow if you didn’t get through to certain things that you wanted. Love needs sacrifices so seek Him for strengths and conviction. “Peluklah daku Ya Rabb dan dengarkanlah doa dan taubatku”

Those things that you find hard, they keep you challenged, so be grateful my love. They are educating/give you tarbiah to have guts in your heart. Now, if you’ll excuse me,  I have a 1500 words of essay need to be done, maths problems need to be solved and other things need to be scrutinized. Before that, let’s Isya’ first.

Morning of Eid Adha – Selamat hari raya mak abah, bro, ami, farah dan famili. 

One thought on “Wicked

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