Perempuan dan cita-cita.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I may delete this somehow.

It has been a while since I actually write something anecdotal and personal. Ironic. As the days go by, you get more experience but you spend less writing or sometimes thinking about it. Thousands of times have I thought of deleting this useless ‘electronic’, ‘online’ blog, thinking that it is now useless as I don’t blog that much now. But I’d like to see how I evolve. Hence the still existence of this blog. I’ve submitted my dissertation, sat for 3 exam papers and I am yet to sit for my final 2 exams in a few days. Despite that, I’ve decided to write my final (perhaps) blog post tonight, while I am still an undergraduate student. After these 2 papers, I am an unofficial graduand, InsyaAllah. Amin Ya Rabb.

All my life, I’ve been brought up with a family of letters. We don’t normally express our emotions and thoughts verbally. But we often do it through letters. Mak always write letters to us kids. As birthday presents, good luck wishes and her teguran to us, her children. As a result, we also sometimes write letters to Mak in return. For example, I once wrote a letter in despair of my ending years in Hira’ and a letter when I first flew to the UK. I wrote letters to my brothers – when one of them is getting married. Another one is when he is deciding on his pathway after SPM. And letters are full with emotions, and often for me, with tears. One of the reason why I’ve technically stopped writing/blogging is because I’ve diverted my writings to physical writings. I write in a journal, a compilation of letters. To my kids. Somehow tonight, I’ve decided to write something, which might be typical for an eighteen years old me. But a more matured way of thinking, InsyaAllah.

Bonda chose something different this time. For a few days now, I’ve been thinking, reflecting of the time I have left. As a student, here in the UK and as a human, ultimately. I remembered clearly of how my feelings and emotions were when I first flew to the UK, almost five years ago. I went through thick and thin, laugh and tears and I cherish each and every moment. I’ve been bad and experienced bad. I fell and hit rock bottom, lost myself throughout the journey but He guided my the way. I’ve met wonderful people and learnt loads.  I’ve been introduced to something one calls passion. Sepanjang hidup, bonda berdoa agar menjadi seorang manusia yang seluruhnya manusia. Bukan makhluk yang hidup seperti kebanyakan – belajar, kerja, kahwin dan sekadar hidup. Manusia harus memiliki satu cita-cita. Satu cita-cita sudah cukup minimum. Sejak sekolah, bercita-cita ingin menyumbang kepada ummat tetapi tidak sedar, kata-kata yang samar-samar itu. Seolah-olah cita-cita agung itu mudah untuk dicapai.

Never take yourself for granted. It’s ok to feel bad, kadang-kadang futur. But never take yourself for granted. Never give up on trying to make the world a better place. You will face obstacles, and ultimately you will face your fears and insecurities.

Moga Allah mengajar kita erti makna kesendirian, makna kesunyian seperti Allah mengajar Rasulullah pelajaran dini tentang makna kebergantungan kepada Allah sejak kecil. Moga Allah menyediakan kita menjadi pemikul beban beban yang berat. Kerana misi besar harus diemban oleh manusia manusia yang besar jiwanya, sebuah pedang yang tajam hanyalah akan berguna jika ia berada dalam gengagaman tangan seorang pahlawan pemberani. Dan bak kata penulis ‘Dari Gerakan Menuju ke Negara’, sebuah peradaban hanya dapat dibangun di atas altar sejarah oleh manusia manusia peradaban. Kadang-kadang kita terasa adakah benar kita membuat kerja-kerja dakwah. Dengan seni dakwah yang kurang, pemikiran yang terbatas, tenaga yang seperti anak-anak kecil, masih lelah dalam pengurusan masa dan nafsu. Tetapi dalam kelelahan seorang manusia, Allah berjanji bahawa “kemenangan itu hampir”. Alangkah surganya saat bila seorang mutarabbi memesan, “please don’t stop. Terlalu ramai orang yang memerlukan apa yang ukht lakukan sekarang. So please don’t stop”.

Sabar sesaat itu lebih baik dari seksa seabad. Bila seorang hamba mahu lelah sebentar, nescaya dia akan berehat selamanya! – Ibn Jauzi

Semoga hidup ini penuh dengan karya karya seorang manusia. Bukan setakat hidup seperti makhluk yang makan dan minum, juga makhluk makan dan minum yang hidup. This will remind me if I ever wanted to go astray. If I ever on the path where it leads to somewhere different. Or if I ever choose someone differently.


With endless love.



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