In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.
I hate living on others’ expectation besides my parents. Today I am writing from Hisan’s apartment in London. Just to get my sense together, read, observe and reflect.
We have finally reached the final bits and phase of Ramadhan. To be quite honest, Ramadhan this year is the sweetest but the hardest thus far. I am finalizing my dissertation plan but at the same time I set myself personal goals on my ibadah during Ramadhan. And it is tough thus far. I am a bit left behind with my tadarus, and left behind with my hafazan. It is really hard to be mujahadah. I am struggling with such a personal struggle that I think I need more time to heal. Rushing isn’t the best way and strategy and of course, forcing yourself to be inspired is a suicide. I am thinking millions of things in my head hence the disorganization of my thought.
Alhamdulillah, Allah granted my doa by making my path easier than before. My marks for my previous essays weren’t deducted Alhamdulillah. To reflect again, this year I was left alone to fight for myself. I did not regret the path that I choose but I was too afraid that I could not go through this alone unarmed. I struggle from the most basic little things. I even thought of quiting and book a flight home for good, hoping that things will get easier for me. But I decided not to. Things happen for a reason or reasons.
I chose the path that cost my part of my personality, my talent, my friends and acquitances that I cherish. This is where I am struggling. But I will continue to struggle til the last breath. Deep down inside, I know that I still am the old me, but much wiser and mature.
I need time to heal from the feelings that I’ve been having.
Ramadhan 19. Praying that the heart will heal.