Look back

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Now playing: Sleeping at Last – The Ash is in Our Clothes

Dear future me,
If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

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It’s amazing how life can be. Today was supposed to be my flight back to the UK for my graduation on the 20th. But I decided not to go and opt for my certificate to be posted to Malaysia instead. I was determined to go back then, bought my one way flight ticket and hoping that I would buy my return ticket later. But I thought of all other things such as my finance at the moment. I bear thousands of education debt and I thought this would be the time for me to be a little selfless and prioritize things that matter most. I did say yes to be part of a programme on the day before my graduation, hence I can’t back up at the last minute. Looking at the bright side, I don’t have to spend another 400 quid plus plus to get my masters certificate! Despite it does break my heart not having the chance to say goodbye to my dear lecturers and friends, I can always go back when I can next time (or when I have the money to. lol). InsyaAllah, Allah knows best. I might pursue my phd later, when I have the energy, the brain and the support system to do so in the future.

And it’s amazing how life can be. 2015/16 has been quite a year. I decided to pursue my Masters at the last minute. I received the offer early before I graduated, but only decided a few months before my programme started. Tawakkal alallah, with an intention that at least I can make a mark for my fellows akhawat, I decided something that I didn’t set for myself in the early points in my life. Alhamdulillah despite the lonely journey (as always), I managed to finish it.

It’s amazing how life can be. When you were once sure of something you’ve decided but non-stop doubts came surging. I promised myself for 2017, to try as hard as possible not to be hesitant like I did in the past. Take up people’s advice but not to be influenced by them completely. Every decisions are yours to take and fate ordered by Allah. The people in our lives exist because Allah chose them to be. Not yours to choose. Read a piece wrote by a writer who knows what he’s talking about, given by a friend. The most striking point is this:

“What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.”

Which brought me to question above. If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

I hope I can choose and face the consequences of the former.

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