In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Love is a torturous noun, verb and adjective.

It is 12:37am and I should be sleeping. But, as usual, I just want to get this thing out of my chest. Here’s my thoughts on love. It is not a torturous thing, because it will be a misnomer. It is a torturous noun, verb and adjective altogether.

When you fell in love with something, it is very hard to do justice on that action. The act of loving something is very very difficult. If you love your mom, sometimes you need to sacrifice in order to justice on that act of loving that you are doing. You might not be able to serve and be there for her 24/7, but your absence is part of loving her. You love with dnt, yet it is very torturing when you need to put aside your lack of strength, energy being and somehow figure out to go to that one meeting, or seeing the people you need to see.

It is a torturous noun because sometimes it is very difficult to get grasp of it. Your interest, your thoughts, your ambitions are love yet it is very very very difficult to figure out and to understand what it is that you love. Economics and politics and the field around them are love yet it ain’t easy to figure them out.

It is a torturous adjective because sometimes it comes uninvited when it shouldn’t even be near you.


Throwback to Winter 2016 in Scotland after hiking. Macam kak Sarah ckp, “we nailed winter body”

Now playing: One Day At A Time

“So let’s sit by an English river
‘Til the water runs dry”








In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Since it’s mayday, I thought, “why don’t I write about my thoughts on being a worker, trying to earn a living while making my life worth it?”

I finished my masters in October 2016, went back for good after i spent almost 6 years in the UK in November 2016, started working (I mean, serious work here) in January 2017. Hence, it has been almost four months or so? Yep, about four months. So like any other fresh graduates out there, who was once yearning to go out on the ‘real world’ and do ‘real job’, I was too. Except that I didn’t have any clear path on what I really want to do (or maybe most of fresh grads didn’t have any clue too). I remember the days where I wanted to be an architect, because I liked art but being a painter would make my life quite difficult especially if I want to sell my paintings. One has to be truly exceptional to earn a living as a painter. I also remember the days when I wanted to be like my mother, and climb up the career ladder, being a manager in the corporate world and all. Just to show that women have guts too. But who would’ve thought that I would graduate as a social science student, with a masters in IPE. Plus, I’ve always wanted to study abroad, but I never thought I would spend 6 years of my life overseas. But I did. Damage done. LOL no-lah. And I still remember how I rejected JPA’s offer for me to go to Japan because my parents forced me to. LOL. no-lah. It’s a blessings in disguise too, apparently. And here I am, trying to write my thoughts of being a worker.

Being a worker, I thought was the time of one’s life. Go out in the morning, come back home in the evening, and got paid.

“you finally get to go out to the real world”

But it isn’t as easy as it looks like.

They say millenials are lazy. They are too picky. They jump jobs too frequently. But Poswolsky  said that millenials generation are simply full of aspirations. They are a generation that are yearning to make a change, wanted to find meaning in what they do, in their workplace, find a work that makes your heart sing, creates impact, and pays rent (or food in Malaysian case). So, commemorating my four months-versary (I doubt that I spelled it right), here are my thoughts on being a worker:

1. Live a life worth living.
As I was about to graduate, I considered applying for jobs in the UK, but I received abah’s text, “ten, balik Msia lah. Farah needs you here.” Like a mutant receiving Professor X’s order, I decided to go back home for good. Gus’ fear in The Fault in Our Stars is oblivion. Mine? is not being able to make my life worth living. Holding on to that aphorism, I took a job that some advised me not to. I was optimistic as I believed what I believe. I had faith in the fight I believed worth fighting. As Poswolsky said, it is crucial to find your purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. Maybe at the time being, it’s about earning experience, exposure regardless if it’s not related to your degree. Maybe you just want to earn money. Or maybe your purpose now is to go into the corporate world. Maybe it’s to pursue you graduate study, maybe it’s to make people’s life better and do charity work. Or maybe you just want to change the world to be a better place to live in. But make sure to have a purpose as life goes along. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. It should.

2. Take a risk and jump that cliff.
I ventured into a field that isn’t popular. And perhaps, there is very little market for it locally. I’m not even sure where will it’s going to bring me in the next few years. But I decided to just jump that cliff. It is not a secure work that would promise you a high remuneration but it is something that everyone would willing to do. So, I thought, why don’t give it a try?

3. Always try to put your heart out.
Somewhere along the line, you will get demotivated. Sometimes, that day isn’t just your day. Sometimes you feel like you just not doing things that you like. Or enjoy. It’s normal. Despite that, just try to put your heart out in every work that you do. Some days you will feel useless, or you will feel, “i’m not qualified to this kind of job”, sometimes you’ve been spending hours and hours in your office/cubicle in front of the computer but achieved nothing. It’s normal and despite that, just try to put your heart in everything – if you feel like doing a bad job, make sure you put your heart in doing a bad job. It’s normal.

4.Learning does not end when you graduate.
Maybe if you graduate, with a degree in your hand or a masters certificate scroll, you might feel like you’re equipped with all the skills and expertise to handle the ‘real world’. You’re not. Learning does not end when you graduate. When you enter into the world of work, you actually continuing the process of learning – except that you get paid for it. Sounds cool ite? You might learn different things. How to handle your work (or how not to), how to be innovative and present new ideas, different perspectives, work with people with different perspectives, how to handle you emotional health and all sorts of things.

5. No matter how hard it gets, make sure have time for coffee, cendol or a stroll.
Due to the nature of my work, I decided that I have to make sure that I have time for coffee with friends, family and cendol with my anak-anak usrah. They say that the work you choose is synonymous with the life you choose. But to keep me sane, I know that it’s important to stitch people that matters in my life. Some people might call it escapism, but I call it personality theraphy. Yes, you are subscribed to a life you choose, work revolves around your life but try to make sure that it does not consume you. Especially when the friends that I have at the office are basically zero, I have to make sure that I’m still human at the end of the day and I am still me.

But one good lesson that I am learning is that – you need to have a purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing because it needs to. It’s what keeps you a purposeful human being. As you get older, the troubles and the problems that you face will become more complex and harder. But, life is too short to be unhappy and lost yourself. You can depend all you want on other people, feeling like grass is greener on the other side, but the grass is greener where you water it. Unless, it’s a really bad grass then it might be the time to change. I do not know how far this current life will take me but I am trying to keep my head up high.

Another thing, try not to be afraid of who you are and holding on to your dreams. Selagi tak melanggar syariat, jalani saja! I’ve been holding back on something that I really wanted to do. I guess, I should just start before I turn 50 and said, “I wished I had just submitted those photos and just try.”

p/s: Wrote this on the 1st of May but published it on the 2nd because Kenji decided to bite my laptop cable sampai putus. And, I spent about RM500 in PBAKL. Looks like Ramadhan is going to start a little bit early for me. LOL.

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She accompanied me doing work at a coffee shop. The most wonderful question that I received from her besides “u okay yang?” is, “will you be my bridesmaid?”




Walau ke hujung dunia

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Kemana langkahku pergi
Slalu ada bayangmu
Ku yakin makna nurani
Kau takkan pernah terganti
Saat lautan kau sebrangi
Janganlah ragu bersauh
Ku percaya hati kecilku
Kau takkan berpaling

Walau keujung dunia, pasti akan kunanti
Meski ke tujuh samudra, pasti ku kan menunggu
Karena ku yakin, Kau hanya untukku
Seorang seniman yang sangat dikagumi, Tulus menyanyikan lagu untuk seorang seniman yang veteran, yang berperanan meniupkan inspirasi pada seorang Tulus. Lagu Chrisye, – Untukku. Di permulaan video, Tulus menyatakan Chrisye berjasa dalam memberi inspirasi, yang telah menjadikan Tulus siapa dia hari ini, seorang yang bisa hidup dengan cita-citanya.

I loved the verse

Saat lautan kau sebrangi,
Janganlah ragu bersauh

A reaffirmation for his loved one to never doubt. The journey of menyeberangi lautan might seem daunting and an impossible task, but never doubt yourself. And it ends with,

Walau keujung dunia, pasti akan kunanti
Meski ke tujuh samudra, pasti ku kan menunggu
Karena ku yakin, Kau hanya untukku.

I am infatuated by the verse.

One is willing to go through the hardship, tribulation and calamity because one is confident that ‘Kau hanya untukku’. That’s just charming.

And here is the original song by Chrisye himself. This is just a sweet escape from Chapter 2 🙂


Final bits.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I hate living on others’ expectation besides my parents. Today I am writing from Hisan’s apartment in London. Just to get my sense together, read, observe and reflect.

We have finally reached the final bits and phase of Ramadhan. To be quite honest, Ramadhan this year is the sweetest but the hardest thus far. I am finalizing my dissertation plan but at the same time I set myself personal goals on my ibadah during Ramadhan. And it is tough thus far. I am a bit left behind with my tadarus, and left behind with my hafazan. It is really hard to be mujahadah. I am struggling with such a personal struggle that I think I need more time to heal. Rushing isn’t the best way and strategy and of course, forcing yourself to be inspired is a suicide. I am thinking millions of things in my head hence the disorganization of my thought.

Alhamdulillah, Allah granted my doa by making my path easier than before. My marks for my previous essays weren’t deducted Alhamdulillah. To reflect again, this year I was left alone to fight for myself. I did not regret the path that I choose but I was too afraid that I could not go through this alone unarmed. I struggle from the most basic little things. I even thought of quiting and book a flight home for good, hoping that things will get easier for me. But I decided not to. Things happen for a reason or reasons.

I chose the path that cost my part of my personality, my talent, my friends and acquitances that I cherish. This is where I am struggling. But I will continue to struggle til the last breath. Deep down inside, I know that I still am the old me, but much wiser and mature.

I need time to heal from the feelings that I’ve been having.

Ramadhan 19. Praying that the heart will heal.

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Third Year Degree

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I am an avid believer of telling stories to appreciate the present moments and blogging just help me do that. Unfortunately, with the existence and the rising popularity of instagram, I tend to abandon that. I tend to post one picture, then put a short caption and write something hipster-ish. I think because I know who are seeing my pictures and the thoughts of them, would deter the free-flow of my own thoughts. Yes, I am that person. It’s currently 1:08am and I just saw videos and blogs of one (or two shall i say?) of my favourite bloggers of all time. I’ve been watching their videos since my A-Level years (which was approximately 5, 6 years ago?) and to see them grow up until now, where they have their own creative production, is just inspiring. I wish I am that kind of humans.

So, here I am, writing (after years and years of not writing) a blog post, while uploading all the pictures from my phone to my macbook. At 1:08am, I decided to embrace the past moments that I’ve taken for granted. I still have my Blaise, (and did I mention that I have a new addition to the family – which I will blog on a later post, insyaAllah mohon doa moga istiqomah!) but given the fast-pacing world that we live in which requires me to be mobile and always travel-friendly, I now capture moments around me with my HTC Mini phone camera. It’s not as good as iPhone, I have to admit but, come one, qana’ah lah sikit. Yang penting, the story behinds it. The camera quality is just the icing on the cake.

So, after going through the photos in my phone available, here are the summary of some moments that I cherish (and not so cherish) during my final year of degree at Warwick and what it made me a person that I am today.

Tak tahu malu

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During my finaly year, I decided to go out of my comfort zone, and I met these lovely people, aka first year juniors. The first time I came to the UK, I thought “I am never going to be those kinds of people who stick together among Malaysians, as I have a lot to discover, many people to be friends with” and I think sticking around with only Malaysians would narraw my perspective on how I see the world. To an extent, it is true but you can never run away from own self. One fine day, you will have to go back, and be significant to your own self. Above are the compilations of the moments with juniors in Warwick. We went to Leamington Spa to have our picnic usrah for the first time. I went with the Cardiffians on their jaulah and bringing mayo bottle is just our take of ‘travelling light’. I went to my Alma Mater in Cambridge, my first home in the UK with them. Helped Syanaz to move house, sent Sima off to Egypt. And for my 23rd birthday, Nabilah baked me a cake ❤



Wake up early to watch how are the morning people of Istanbul 🙂

imag0469(1)Pipah is trying to counter her fear with cats.


Pipah suddenly shouted as we walked past a building, “faten tengok ni! cepat apply!”

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img-20141217-wa0008It says “i’m tired but still want a picture”



A better group picture


K lepas ni kebab turki.


15 lovely humans altogether


Unfortunately im not the bread crumps.


We shamelessly asked ustaz to take our group picture!


me, in the zone.


“k semua, dinding ini sangat bersejarah.” Was explaining briefly on ISK actually, using imaginary figures.



behind the scene


abang turki mencelah kat belakang.

There are two particular ‘big events’ of travelling throughout my time in the UK. Given the limited financial capacity, I know that I could not afford to travel as much as other people or students, and I personally feel guilty if I go around having fun time travelling but my family back home are struggling just to fund me here. So, these two ‘big events’ are notable ones because one, I asked for consent before I travel and the main souvenirs that I brought home are new perspectives and photos. After Maroc, Turkey was my second big thing. I fell in love with Maroc due to the unique civilization of knowledge but I fell in love with Turkey on the grounds of history and civilization.


a must-taken-photo of the sunset at Warwick Uni.


En route to JUMS, with the mercy of Yaya’s car.


Solat break kejap.


hey you.imag0511(1)


road trip!imag0536(1)


Hantar Sima balik Coventry naik train station.imag0550(1)

Selfie satuimag0553(1)

Snow 2014


Spot the footsteps and the baju kurung




Macam ABC jugak, tambah sirap dan sebagainya, boleh makan jugak ni.


Of falling snow, hot chocolate and warm souls!

JUMS 2014 was a slap in the face. It was the sweetest yet the most bitter. Ala kuli hal, both were good for me insyaAllah.

Felt like a new discovery


This was my first official pembentangan of daurah. It was unexpectedly nerve-wrecking, but there will always be a first time for new things that we venture into. I used to think when one involved herself with tarbiah, all of her other talents were denied and she will become this vulnerable, inaudible, sami’na wa ata’na akhawat. My years in the UK has thus far shaped me at the same time break me and I am trying as hard as possible to pick myself up. I realize when I talk about something and was too into it, I tend to talk fast and passionately.  Like I was back in debating years. Good to know to ease down the pace.

Part-time jobs


Kak Cha went back to Malaysia and these are the little men that we have to deal with while Kak Cha was away. Harraz participated in a theatre performance. Proud mothers we were!

img-20141204-wa0017 img-20141204-wa0024During my second and third years of degree, I did a part-time job as a steward. I had to hustle and juggle everything on my plate. The hardest thing was to squeeze in my prayers in between performance and theatre. Mengajar izzah dan multi-task bukan mudah, and this particular decision made me realize the importance of muhasabah dan istiqomah. I taught mengaji when Kak Cha was our neighbor and me in black is the picture of me in uniform.

A mix of kinesthetic, visual, audio and creative elements

img-20150518-wa0000 img_20150520_131118 imag1095(1) imag1092 imag1032(1) img-20150419-wa0015 img-20150503-wa0017(1) imag0993(1) img_20150412_173146(1) imag0835(1) imag0597(1) img-20141208-wa0006(1)These are the insights of the process of my study here in Warwick. I am a mix of kinesthetic, visual and creative person. So when I study, eventhough I don’t study much, it looks I am studying my ass off. Papers and books all over the place. Warwick pushed me to become that person. I am an average student, not so brilliant but most of my friends would not believe me. But truly, I am an average student. I remember my coversation with Hisan, “i’m not talently smart. my only talent is that I am a hard-working person. if i lose that, i lose everything.”

Public transports

imag0753 imag0751 imag0749 imag0776(1) imag0777(1)Tarbiah in the UK forced me to travel and tarbiah seseorang itu dibentuk mengikut apa yang diinginkan Tuhannya. My kind of tarbiah were mostly on the public transport, be it buses of trains. I spend most of my time thinking, brainstorming, menghafaz, writing while I’m travelling.

Food and nutrition

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I hated cooking, up until I reach here.

Children and babies

Crime partners aka housemates

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These are the people whom I spend most of my time with in Warwick. Turn of my Subuh alarm when I’m too tired to do it. Cook tremendously delicious meals, heat up the heat pack whenever I’m having my period pain, read ma’thurat with walaupun mengantuk tak ingat dunia, solat jemaah with after being kepochis and all other stuff. These are the people who accept me to join their clan when I came alone to Warwick (eceh).

Cinta Hati

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Jodoh dan takdir


I think it is hard to summarize one year in a blog post. What should’ve been done was specific dedications for specific big events. And obviously I was too ‘occupied’ to do that.

Lalu dengan apa? Untuk apa.

Dalam menaip “Sunnah”, autocorrect Microsoft Word membetulkan menjadi “sunbath”. Gelak sendiri. Seperti mengejek ejek pemuda itu.

“Mentang-mentang cuaca panas hari ni, kau ejek aku ye MS?”

Bukan mudah melihat bumi Inggeris bercuaca panas.


Sudah biasa.


Seperti hari hari normal.


Apatah lagi.


Seperti makanan ruji.


Dan pemuda itu di dalam bilik kecilnya, bersamanya kebas kaki, sepet mata, peluh tangan melayan setiap bait bait perkataan yang merayu perhatiannya. Gelak kecilnya tadi dimatikan.


“lalu untuk apa?”


Memikirkan soalan yang dikonstruk sendiri selama beberapa ketika, kemudian jawab sendiri.


“untuk sumpah cintamu 5 tahun lalu.”



Kelmarin malam

Kelmarin malam bulan mengajarkanku arti percaya
percaya dalam gelapnya malam
terdapat rahsia rahsia bumi yang indah.
percaya dengan potensi diri
untuk digunakan menggapai syurga Ilah.

Kelmarin malam bulan mengajarkanku arti kesusahan
Susahnya melihat langsung percaya dan mengimani
kesusahan yang akhirnya memaksa diri
untuk terus bertahan demi destinasi

Kelmarin malam bulan mengajarkanku arti manusia
Dalam pelbagai bentuk bulan,
hakikatnya ianya berfitrah sebagai bulan yang satu
seperti manusia,
yang punya ragam tapi akhirnya ia hanya manusia seperti itu

Kelmarin malam bulan terus memanduku
dalam gelapnya malam
memimpin hati yang penuh takut
bergerak sedikit demi sedikit
dengan cahayanya yang lembut di langit

Kumiliki guru yang demikian,
Seperti bulan
dengan senyap lembut memanduku, mematahkanku,
lalu menguatkan dengan seni seni tarbiahnya.

Kumiliki guru yang demikian,
seperti bulan.


p/s: Lewat malam dalam perjalanan pulang dari JUMS 2014.
memandu berdua dengan penuh kantuk.

IMAG0568Dalam kesejukan meraikan jatuhnya snow pertama kali dalam musim sejuk 2014

A young sceptic

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“He who does not doubt, does not investigate, and he who does not investigate does not see, and he who does not see remains in blindness and error.” – al Ghazali

IMG_6686 copy

truly by nature, they’ll speak to you.

and with regards to my essay: “the great divisions among humankind and the dominating source of conflict will be cultural.”


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Manusia memiliki 3 potensi utama dalam hidupnya. Potensi fizikal, potensi intelektual dan potensi jiwa.

Boleh jadi seorang manusia mempunyai potensi fizikal di mana segala kekuatan fizikal, ketahanan badan, kecergasan miliknya. Badannya tegap, kuat ketahanan badannya, tidak perlu risau tentang donut yang dimakan siang tadi atau pizza yang dilahap malam kelmarin. Kerana badannya begitu mudah menyingkirkan apa-apa yang tidak berfaedah. Tapi sekiranya kelebihan fizikalnya itu disalur pada hal yang tidak baik, maka rosak kemuliaannya. Menjadi model komersial? Lalu rosak kemuliaannya.

Boleh jadi seorang manusia mempunyai potensi intelektual yang tinggi. Sudah khatam setiap buku akademiknya dan teori teori ekonomi atau politik hanay berada di genggaman tangan. Petik sahaja apa-apa teori atau formula maka mudah untuknya berbicara tentangnya malah mempersoalkan kredibiliti sesuatu ilmu itu. Menuntut ilmu seakan-akan syurga baginya. Mudah dan ilmu itu seakan-akan permainannya. Tetapi sekiranya ilmunya tidak bermanfaat buat orang lain yang hanya ditelan dan lalu menjadi racun pada orang lain, maka dia tidak mempunyai apa-apa kemuliaan.

Lalu tinggal satu potensi manusia yang terakhir. Potensi jiwa. Dan potensi jiwa ini sangat berkait rapat dengan kondisi hati seorang manusia. Boleh jadi seorang manusia tidak mempunyai kelebihan atau potensi fizikal atau intelektual. Tetapi sekiranya seorang manusia mempunyai hati dan jiwa seorang pejuang. Memperoleh bahagia di dalam kesusahan dan mujahadah, mempunyai sabar yang bisa menolak apa arus sekalipun demi keredhaan Ilahi, maka manusia itu akan menjadi semulia-mulia manusia.

Urusan hati ialah satu urusan yang perlu dipandang serius sepertimana seriusnya kita mencari resepi apa yang ingin dimasak untuk orang rumah. Atau seserius mana kita mencari arah tuju di dalam pembelajaran, seserius mana kita ingin organisasi kita teratur atau tidak atau seserius mana kita ingin mencari arah tuju dalam hal karier. Urusan hati ialah satu urusan yang serius. Sangat serius. Boleh jadi kerana hati kita menjadi semulia mulia manusia atau sehina hina manusia.

Mahu mulia atau hina?

Jika mahu mulia, perlu mujahadah lawan nafsu. Lawan sampai menang.

p/s: isu hari ini: “saya tidak setuju wanita yang tak pakai tudung masuk neraka!” Mahu protes pada siapakah? Dan progress 9k words of esemen is consistent but slow. Ayuh!



Ah sudahlah! Sekarang baru sadar ujian mengajar mu arti sebenar keikhlasan? Tangismu itu bukan tangisan pahlawan yang berkorban tetapi tangisan calon pahlawan yang manja! Cengeng!

Kata bunda, “keluar! langkahkan kakimu keluar dan tatap ciptaan Tuhan di luar sana nun! Jangan cengeng!” Benar. Betapa ajaibnya ciptaan Tuhan, sang angin yang menampar pipimu mengajar arti keikhlasan mencari cinta. Bagaimana ciptaan yang dikatakan invisible itu mengajarmu bagaimana memberi impak yang besar. Hebat bagaimana dahan pokok dan daun-daun membisikkan ke hatimu erti sebenar sabar. Bagaimana sang air memujukmu bahawa “kembara kita masih jauh wahai manusia.”

Itu dikatakan di dalam falsafah, ilmu aesthetics. A branch of philosophy that concerns with the beauty of artworks. Hegel  claims that the natural product is inferior to the human product as they do not experience the journey of spirituality. Only an artist who is inspired by nature to create a painting is qualified to be seen as someone who has artistic qualities. Nevertheless, perhaps because he failed to extract the natural beauty, the God-product, the meaning and the spiritual journey that lies within. Only with the existence of these natural, God-product beauty, a human can experience the spiritual journey that he claims artists seem to be having.

tujuan asal post ini adalah untuk hasil bagaimana alam dapat mengajarmu metodologi hidup. Secara tak langsung, menaip beberapa perkataan yang boleh dikatakan revision untuk exam Philosophy 2 hari lagi.

Ingat sayang, jalan cinta itu tak mudah. Sekarang kau lupa. Dan mungkin jatuh. Kalau jatuh, bangun kembali. Kalau tak larat bangun, cari orang/ciptaan yang dapat tolong kau bangun.

Kembara kita masih jauh.