Final bits.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I hate living on others’ expectation besides my parents. Today I am writing from Hisan’s apartment in London. Just to get my sense together, read, observe and reflect.

We have finally reached the final bits and phase of Ramadhan. To be quite honest, Ramadhan this year is the sweetest but the hardest thus far. I am finalizing my dissertation plan but at the same time I set myself personal goals on my ibadah during Ramadhan. And it is tough thus far. I am a bit left behind with my tadarus, and left behind with my hafazan. It is really hard to be mujahadah. I am struggling with such a personal struggle that I think I need more time to heal. Rushing isn’t the best way and strategy and of course, forcing yourself to be inspired is a suicide. I am thinking millions of things in my head hence the disorganization of my thought.

Alhamdulillah, Allah granted my doa by making my path easier than before. My marks for my previous essays weren’t deducted Alhamdulillah. To reflect again, this year I was left alone to fight for myself. I did not regret the path that I choose but I was too afraid that I could not go through this alone unarmed. I struggle from the most basic little things. I even thought of quiting and book a flight home for good, hoping that things will get easier for me. But I decided not to. Things happen for a reason or reasons.

I chose the path that cost my part of my personality, my talent, my friends and acquitances that I cherish. This is where I am struggling. But I will continue to struggle til the last breath. Deep down inside, I know that I still am the old me, but much wiser and mature.

I need time to heal from the feelings that I’ve been having.

Ramadhan 19. Praying that the heart will heal.

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In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I never really posted anything about my graduation. Yes, it was a long time ago but I graduated from the University of Warwick for BSc Economics, Politics and International Politics. It would be cool if I graduated for PPE: Philosophy, Politics and Economics but I think what  matters is what I really wanted in my life. It wouldn’t be worth it if I do something to torture myself. I didn’t really enjoy the philosophy module.



View from where mak and abah see me


Farah is being forced-inspired by mak


poyo sikit


control macho sikit


thank you kak kama


awkwardly posing here

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despite the hot weather, it’s actually quite cold


one of the reason that keeps me going

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after a while, i actually posted my graduation photos. I graduated in July, second day of Raya. and today i’m just counting for the next Ramadhan. Setahun jugaklah procrastinate nya. but Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Life explained.



Yesterday was my presentation on data analysis. Despite the on-point timing of my presentation, I felt bad for myself as my progress was not very good. I haven’t foun any significant result on my analysis hence, my project could go down the drain. And I cried, watch some crappy videos and I slept at 5am.

I’ve been watching some very good videos and it hit me. I love telling stories, documentaries and writing. That was my passion. And i think teh reason why I study international political economy is solely due to the reason that I want to understand the world as it is and make it a better place. But, I feel like people don’t benefit from what I’m doing. So, I’ve decided something quite radical.

I’m going to resume my passion of story-telling. So basically, I’m going to re-ignite my relationship with my camera. My Blaise, and perhaps a new member of the family.

So today will be my planning day. I will plan my life, my KPI and my milestone.

Ok lunch time. till then insyaAllah.


It’s the same concept.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Last September I’ve enrolled to a Postgraduate programme at the same university that I did my degree for 3 years. Yes, another year abroad in the UK. It’s a collective decision yet a very hard decision for me to make. But hopefully insyaAllah for the greater good.

It has almost been 2 months since I started my Master programme but little do I have the chance to reflect upon what I’ve been through. So I’ve decided to do something very important, personally and socially. in Warwick, they have something that they call study blog, which is basically a blog that students posts their thoughts or experience of studying at Warwick. Thought it would be helpful, to see how I evolve and progress as I go through my postgraduate programme, I’ve decided to blog specifically about my postgraduate experience in Warwick. Finished my degree for three years, and just now that I thought of blogging about my studies. Yey.

To cut the story short so far, postgraduate is definitely tough and more challenging than degree life. What I learn the most so far is personal responsibility and independence on your passion. I was honestly quite hesistant on doing postgraduate study at first as I though it was daunting. But, to think for the greater good of the ummah insyaAllah, I decided to give it a go.


Hence, my first point is PASSION.

This does not apply to postgraduate study, or any other academic experience. Instead, this is applicable to all aspects of your life. If you are passionate about someone, or an author, you would love to know everything about the author as if he or she is your best friend or the neighbour that you say hi everyday. Find something that drives you crazy, sesuatu yang membuatkan jiwa gelora, hati yang kering menjadi basah, iman yang lesu menjadi sedar. Personally for me, my passion is for the ummah, untuk redhaNya. And along the way you might lost it, or went astray because of the difficulties or obstacles that you face, but keep on tajdid-ing your niat. Itu kepentingan tajdid, memperbaharui. So set yourself your ultimate passion before you set a ‘follow-up passion’.


My second point is RESPONSIBILITY.

As you go one with your life, chose the path of tarbiah, you will face multi-responsibility. Map your responsibilities and focus upon it one by one. Set priorities (which I personally am struggling) and deal with it one by one. Responsibility demands energy and dedication. Never trade-off one for the other because if you do, you can never manage and execute your responsibility well. You will feel exhausted at the end of the week, but the level of satisfaction can never be beaten.


Third point is INDEPENDENCE.

My postgraduate period is absolutely different with my undergraduate years where you were set specific homeworks and problem sets. For postgraduate, especially if you are on the path of social science stream, you will face a whole loads of reading lists. You will have to learn to master the art of reading. Interestingly, I read an article by Dr Hatem Bazian and quoting him,


“My main contention is that reading has become a lost art among the overwhelming majority of Muslims, and companionship with books in all their varieties is a dying enterprise.

The door to knowledge are writings – from books, articles etc. but the key to the door of knowledge is to read. To make my postgraduate journey worthwhile, I will start to list and write review on the books that I am currently reading and have read for the purpose of my study of otherwise.

First, you need passion. But passion requires responsibility and independence. This is the art of passion.


p/s: This week I’ve finally submitted my project plan for data analysis where I will be working on the role of religion in affecting development growth, which is inspired by an article that I read last Ramadhan during the summer. And I just started reading The Problem with Banks, to understand the narrative on banking sector.


In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful

There’s a time when she needs to sit down facing the scorching sun that burns the skin wearing a 90s sunglass and just eat a bowl of  trifle with white whipped cream that will invite the sense of guilt later on. And that time is everyday in Malaysia. (ok probably not everyday)

As requested by a good friend of mine, Natasyha Alliya, I’ll be posting a brief recipe (which i did a bit of improvisation) of My Summer Fruit Trifle. If you refer to Mr Google/Miss Google (because i’m a freaking feminist, i shall not put aside my female clan), he’ll/she’ll show you different kinds of trifle with gazillion layers. But mine only comprises 3 simple layers.

Strawbery Swiss Roll Cake. (you are permitted to bake your own cake but I’m being the lazy ass here and a bit of a cost-benefit analyst, I decided to buy from the kedai runcit across the street)
3 Spoonful of Custard powder
3 teaspoon of sugar
1 Tin of Evaporated Milk
1/2 Cup of Water
1 Packet of Jelly/Gelatine (in my case, I used Halagel gelatine powder-that’s the only thing I found hidden in my kitchen)
1 Tin of Tropical Fruit Cocktail
1 Pack of Fresh Strawberry
500ml of water
2/3 Drops of Colouring Paste Read (Pewarna)
Whipped Cream

The above ingredients are open for any improvisation in your part.

Crucial Steps To Be Taken If You Want Your Effort Of Googling This To Be Fruitful:

1. THE FIRST WALK-IN-THE-PARK LAYER; THE CAKE : Cut your Swiss Roll Cake and nicely arrange them in a glass container (preferably a see-through container). Then put your glass container in the fridge for cooling. (Because I have this ridiculous theory/faith that the cake will blend nicely with the rest of the layers if it’s cooled when eating at the end.) And for the purpose of simplification, I’ll name the container Ronald. (No offence to Ronalds out there but I think the name goes well with my version of fruit trifle)

2.THE SECOND SWEATING LAYER; THE CUSTARD : While your cake is fridge-bathing in the fridge(?), you’ll deal with your custard. Take a tin of evaporated milk and sugar and cook it-as in put in a periuk and panaskan die lah. At the same time you cook your evaporated milk, take 3 spoonful of custard, put in a cup and mix it with water – not to concentrated, not to dilute. (This is to avoid your custard layer to be all mixed with absurd concrete balls of custard-ya get me?) Then pour your custard-mixed-with-water into your hot evaporated milk and keep stirring. My aunt, mum, brother, neighbour, the neighbour of my neighbour said this is the crucial part – of keep stirring. Stir until you realize your custard starts to thicken. When you feel/think that it’s edible enough and physically yellowish-baige fluid, cool it off for a few seconds, take Ronald from the fridge and pour it slowly into Ronald.

3. THE THIRD HAPPY LAYER; THE FRUITFUL JELLY : First, open your can of fruit cocktail and filter the juice and put it in a cup. We’ll use the tropical fruits later on. Take your jelly powder/gelatine and put it into a hot bowl/periuk of water and pour in the filtered juice as well. I put 50ml of water randomly because I can hardly remember the exact amount due to a bit of improvisation along the way. It’s entirely up to you really . Approximately, I used 2 bottles of water as I have to add the filtered juice as well. Then just stir for a few minutes and add 2 or 3 drops of colouring paste red. You can use any colour if you want though. Then stir until you think your future-jelly has the potential to harden. Cool it off and pour it slowly into Ronald. Then prepare you fruits; 1 pack of cut strawberries and tropical fruit from the previous tin. You can recruit your little sister/brother, cousins, niece, nephew to do this part – arranging the fruits into Ronald. Because it’s fun and the idolisation remarks given by the little ones will make you feel like you’re one of the geniuses.  Then put Ronald into the fridge again until you’re confident the jelly is harden and Ronald is ready to eat. Some people put the last layer-the whipped cream on top covering Ronald but I’d recommend adding whipped cream when you feel like eating the trifle with it. Some people just don’t prefer whipped cream.

So here’s what it will look like:

this is a photo from my instagram. This is my second attempt.

This is my first attempt. The pics quality is a bit crappy. Didn’t even bother to take my Blaise

Don’t forget the whipped cream! 🙂

Lie down with me and hold me

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful. 

Finished with exams. Fast forward a bit, I’m back in Malaysia. It feels weird to be back home where the you can feel the burning heat on your skin and not a random downpour instead. But I missed it. And I never knew that the hardest thing is saying goodbye. Gave cards and flowers to my teachers, said thank you, laughing about our two years of ‘rock and roll’ and went, somewhere quite and cried my heart out. Such an emotional wreck I am.

Two years. That’s all what it takes to change who I am. Or who I was. Two years. Was the significant turning point of my life where I learnt how to reflect my fundamental values/principles and be critical about it instead. I learnt how to agree to disagree. It might be toughest phase of my life (so far). I lost myself quite a few times but a small strong string kept pulling me back to my roots. It’s the phase where I almost losing Him but He brought me through it.

Life is a journey of discovering and learning because the purification of the soul is an ongoing process which will never end. The moment I hugged my English Lite tutor, my heart became weak as a boneless creature. I hugged her with all my heart and hot tears came pouring down my cheek. “Thank you for being a great mother for me here” I whispered. To her, everything is not insignificant and how you project every words in English counts. Once I accidently disgrace English by saying “he is so cute” depicting one of my classmate’s behaviour and she ‘hit’ me and said, “cute?! have I thought you nothing Fatin?! Never use ‘cute’. ‘Charming’ instead”. I know, right?  I love it when she recites a poem or a dialogue in a play because she will either give me goosebumps or tears instead everytime. She will fight for the right thing and for the sake of her love for her subjects and her students. Studying with her taught me the value of life itself. English is not just a subject but it’s what have been holding me to my roots for two years (and will do in the future). She makes me discover my true love for literature.

“Ajarkanlah sastra pada anak-anakmu, agar anak pengecut jadi pemberani,” (Nasihat Umar bin Khattab)

I always doubt myself yet they are the ones who always have faith in me. They are not just teachers but the reasons why I kept going. Will be missing the random jokes in class and child-like behavior. (Yes. Child-like, not childish yea) Thank you for sending us a link on how to set our alarm clock on time. Sorry I called you ‘poyo’ once, Sir. No offence it was just a joke (as if he’s reading this, which, if he is. I’ll close my blog) 

From left : The one I should see every wednesday morning, the one who revealed me the bright side of numbers, the one who taught me the existene of numerous graphs in the world, and my personal tutor in my first year.

My teacher and one of my classmate, Monika. She’s very dear to my heart; a very understanding and a sweet friend she is.

things my tutor response to; my doodle.

this is now empty.

“And the seasons will change us new. Be the best I’ve known and you know me. I could not be stuck on you if it were true”

Whatever happen, wherever I will be, I will treasure this. It’s not just this. It’s love.

In the name

of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Whether to choose austerity or short term growth. Perhaps that’s the question? or perhaps it lies way above that. Some people portray what the public want.

Anyway, I’ve received another 2 amazing gifts from my friends here. A few Indonesian poetry books ; a few of Chairil Anwar’s, Helvy Tiana Rosa’s and Radhar Panca Dahana. Very mucho thank you to my awesome, (a lil bit craizehh) crime partner – Hisan. The same day i received a gift from my flat-mate, Aisha, a book by Tariq Ramadan – The Messenger ; The Meaning of the Life of Muhammad. A long awaited book. *womanly tears here* (eh dah woman lah) *blush*blush*

It’s a test indeed. I’m facing my final exam, and tonnes of books kept knocking on my front door begging me to entertain them (and myself as well). waduh waduh. I have to control myself. So, my current bed time reading ; Tariq Ramadan’s.

Here is a little sneak peak of what I just started to read :

“The first years of Muhammad’s life undoubtedly fashioned his outlook, preparing him to understand the signs in the universe. The spiritual teaching that can be drawn from them is essential, both for the Prophet’s education and for our own education throughout history: being close to nature, respecting what it is, and observing and meditating on what it shows us, offers us, or takes (back) from us requirements of a faith that, in its quest, attempts to feed, deepen, and renew itself. Nature is the primary guide and the intimate companion of faith.”

Allahhh. final exam TT..TT  I have 6 papers. hmmm. Allahurabbi.

“So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief: Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.”

Jauhkanlah sifat malas ini ya Rabb.

You’re My First Love

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“Mari pecahkan kitaran kebodohan”. A profound quote of the day. *Istighfar istighfar* It’s amazing how people/geniuses can be so motivated that they do extraordinary/mind-boggling things. You’re not getting younger me love.

Going to London tomolo to pick up 50mm after maths class :3 50mm, here i come bebeh.

White Lips, Pale Face

Last time we went swimming 
the sea stood up and hugged you
as though you were responsible 
for keeping it blue 

Bianca Stewart

i received a parcel

tried capturing a few shots to reveal what’s inside :3

 There are at least 3 drafts of posts that i haven’t published yet. Didn’t got the chance to finish ’em. yet. but i decided to post something that I’m excited about.(not that i say the others are less motivating)  or can i say, something easy to post. hee. So these are the few shots i tried to capture what i got (hew hew. eksaitednye) I got excited because i got ze flowers *smug*smug* I am not good at shooting plants/flora/fauna. I remembered the last time i took pictures of plants was with Kak Amrina at Floria (can’t even bothered to remember what year was it ._.) but it was fun shooting with Kak Amr. i almost lost my phone. (excited sangat tangkap gambar). anyhow, when i received this a few days ago (precisely 2 weeks ago) i grabbed Blaise immediately. the weather was unpredictable (as always) so I have to wait for a few minutes praying that there’ll be sunshine. i literally wait at the window just so you know. And i was trying to achieve the typical spring-ish/summer-ish effect with with curtains(with the langsir yg jarang jarang pe kebenda ntah name materialnye) but i’m out of budget. so i used white plastic (the trash plastic) instead. the outcome was quite surprising tho.

ok enough with the technical process. what  i want to say is thank you to my love one who gave me this. you made my day because i was stressing out with mock exams and after i walked out from the exam hall, i received a call informing that i have a box of flowers waiting for me.

sometimes it’s hard to be physically alone. you can fall easily. get absorbed, influenced easily. but that’s because i tend to forget things. My theory is; my life (or your life) revolves on the purpose of life itself. If I’m sitting for PQS/Aqidah exam in my previous high schools, i will most likely to state that my purpose of life is to submit to Him. I’m not saying that it’s wrong but sometimes we misunderstood the whole concept. I started questioning my identity when i was asked “Siapakah Engkau?” by one of my murabbi. Typical thoughts/ideas would be : “I’m a servant”, “I’m a sister”,”a brother”, “a student”, “A daie'” etc. But I like to simplify things. Persoalan “Siapakah Aku” itu perlu untuk kita menentukan ritma dan irama hidup. We tend to go off track because we forgot what our  song is. As I’m not living in the bi’ah that I expected, I tend to go off track.

Tetapi, keseorangan itu juga merupakan satu bentuk tarbiah. Bagaimana kekasih Allah dapat menanggung apa yang dilaluinya?

i found an answer as i opened a book that was written by one of my favourite author :

“Cintalah itu sebabnya. Ia mencintai semua manusia. Ia mau melakukan apa pun untuk menghadirkan damai, selamat dan bahagia bagi manusia. Cintalah yang membuatnya mampu menampung segala keluh dalam hatinya. Di hatinya yang lapang kau boleh menumpahkan semua keluh dan harapmu. Makin lama kau di sisinya, makin dalam cintamu padanya. Waktulah yang membuka tabir keagungannya satu-satu padamu. Mungkin bukan itu benar yang membuatnya jadi teramat agung. Ada yang lebih agung dari sekedar itu. Dia bukan hanya hebat. Bukan hanya pahlawan. Dia juga melahirkan banyak pahlawan. Dia tidak hanya menjadi sesuatu. Dia juga menjadikan orang lain di sekitarnya sesuatu. Orang lain hanya jadi pahlawan. Orang-orang di sekelilingnya hanya mencatat kepahlawanannya. Mereka tidak jadi apa-apa.”

Find your reason/ground/motive once you went off track. my ground is my Love.