Youth

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I realized one pattern throughout my life.

1st July 2008 in my high school journal:

“did i ran away form your hidayah ya Allah?…. help your servant ya Allah…did i make a mistake?”

but the good thing is, I am determined to follow His hidayah, despite me being astrayed a few times 🙂

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Of fear.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Last night, when I was trying to do hafazan, Mak walked in and sat on the chair silently. She has this habit when she just wants to just check up upon her children. I never get to experience this when I was in the UK. and I missed it a lot.

Mak and Abah have been through quite a lot for the past few years but masyaAllah, I am  amazed by their tranquility. I have fears. i have fears quite a lot. But they taught me nothing is worth fearing except Allah. Sometimes you just feel like you’re at a dead end. Clueless of what you should do, what you should decide. To a point where you try seeking love and attention from something else, someone else. You wish you know what you should do. You wish you now what lies on the other side of taqdeer. You want to know everything. However, everything was not yours to know.

“Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over knowledge”

You will never know what Allah plans for you. But the only option is to trust Him and to work hard to fall in love with Him. Once fallen, it is the triumph of hope over knowledge.

“Tetapi Allah menjadikan kamu cinta kepada keimanan, dan menjadikan iman itu indah dalam hatimu, serta menjadikan kamu benci kepada kekafiran, kefasikan, dan kedurhakaan. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang mengikuti jalan yang lurus.”

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I looked back.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Which brought me to question above. If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

I hope I can choose and face the consequences of the former.

I chose the former and I am facing the consequences.

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A Revelation (?)

I realize something. How does one reconcile with what she learns through tarbiah, and what is happening in this world? How can our perspectives and worldview be relevant in this world? Is it necessary to pick sides? More radically, is Islam truly compatible with the (capitalistic) world today and if so, why aren’t the leading entrepreneurs etc brings the Islamic values? Another radical question, is there any capitalistic values within Islam (or vice versa)?

In the midst of discovering my understanding of tarbiah and the how the world works today and will articulate the discussions and my thoughts later on. pinned.

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I want to run

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I want to run away
but I couldn’t.

I am still figuring it out
but I came to a dead end.

Oh Lord, please set my heart where you want it to be.

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What I like about – Here’s to fools

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Since I am having a brain malfunction and I have some time to spare during lunchhour (I make my own spare time act), I decided that I should write this and get it off my chest asap.

Now I understand the hype behind La La Land.

Hisan told me that it’s good and I’ll like it. Apparently, I loved it. After going through an emotional roller coaster last Friday, I decided to meet my brother and his wife, saying that “I need a hug”. Fortunately, they made/spent their time for/with me.

La La Land is about sentimentality.

That’s why it made people fall on their knees, unconsciously put on their best sad smile at the end of it because at some point in our lives, we will feel that way.

I fell in love with the phrase “city of stars, are you shining just for me?” as it reminds me of Sleeping at Last’s Saturn – “the the universe was made, just to be seen by my eyes.” Every individual in this world is unique in his or her own ways. Imagine 7 billion population of the world (2011), 29.72 million people in Malaysia (2013) or whatever million in your constituencies are, and you feel like everything in this universe was made just for you, and you alone. You are the chosen one by Allah to feel what you’re feeling now. Be it heart break, happiness like you’re on top of the world, falling in love, having your heart broken, loneliness, content loneliness, Allah chose you to feel that way, at this moment. Apparently, you are the chosen one.

I fell in love with the struggle of Seb and Mia. Someone wrote, “everyone in La La Land is wrestling with ambition”. It what makes you human. Seb’s words and Mia’s monologue/song were engraved in my mind ever since I heard them. Seb said to his sister (if i’m not mistaken), “I’m letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I’ll hit back. It’s a classic rope-a-dope.” Maybe it’s not your time yet, where you got stuck to a life you never imagine you would face, family condition that tested you to the core, things that led you to choose decisions you never really believe in but decide anyway but you still have to hold on to that sacred belief of yours. A belief that fate weren’t suppose to bring you down. That one day, you will hit back and be content.

I fell in love with The Fools Who Dream. It reminded me of Hisan’s birthday note when I turned 20.

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

p/s: let’s be mad bonkers

Turning 20 is something significant in one’s life. A transition from teen years to young adult period. There will be more huge and turning points decisions that you have to make. And ultimately be responsible on that decisions of yours. But most importantly, you have to dream your dream, not somebody else’s. Mia’s aunt told her that “a bit of madness is key to give us colour to see” just like the people who told me to be a mad bonker. We will be seen foolish, as our hearts will break, and we will make a mess that is inevitable. But that’s part of being foolish.

I fell in love with the sentimentality. The story is beyond Seb’s and Mia’s. So many people will be part of our lives where they were the most important people in the world. Their words and actions will affect yours, your worldview, you passion and ultimately they will affect your emotions. But at some point they will waltz out from your life, either you choose it be or fate led you to be. Ones that shape you but also the ones that you hardly ever see or will never see againyet the memories vividly got stuck in your memory box. I fell in love with the sentimentality because it brought me to the defining period of my life, to the defining people of my life. It brought me back to the times where theatre and musicals are the events I look forward to at the end of the week with my friends. It’s about real life scripts, real life emotions, real life actions. It brought me back to that awkward moment when I was watching Equus without doing any further research beforehand. But I look away and stared at my friend’s eyes instead. It brought me back to the lengthy conversations that I had with my friends in a little cafe surrounded by the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It brought me back to my first experience of witnessing snow falling at 3 in the morning after I sleptover at Hisan’s room. It brought me back to my lonely dark journey home by bicycle while watching swans singing to each other. It brought me back to my sacred and public mistake/sin that he pointed out.

I came back not only due to responsibilities, but to embark on a journey to understand who I am a little more, how my heart works. And subhanallah Allah had showed me in His own, subtle and harsh ways.

“So much just happens in you life, sometimes the people who most helped shaped you don’t register more than a knowing glance and a nod, like the one Mia and Seb share at the end.”

And sometimes the sentimentality that keeps you going.

And to hope that I’ll constantly be foolishly Yours.

 

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Look back

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Now playing: Sleeping at Last – The Ash is in Our Clothes

Dear future me,
If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

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It’s amazing how life can be. Today was supposed to be my flight back to the UK for my graduation on the 20th. But I decided not to go and opt for my certificate to be posted to Malaysia instead. I was determined to go back then, bought my one way flight ticket and hoping that I would buy my return ticket later. But I thought of all other things such as my finance at the moment. I bear thousands of education debt and I thought this would be the time for me to be a little selfless and prioritize things that matter most. I did say yes to be part of a programme on the day before my graduation, hence I can’t back up at the last minute. Looking at the bright side, I don’t have to spend another 400 quid plus plus to get my masters certificate! Despite it does break my heart not having the chance to say goodbye to my dear lecturers and friends, I can always go back when I can next time (or when I have the money to. lol). InsyaAllah, Allah knows best. I might pursue my phd later, when I have the energy, the brain and the support system to do so in the future.

And it’s amazing how life can be. 2015/16 has been quite a year. I decided to pursue my Masters at the last minute. I received the offer early before I graduated, but only decided a few months before my programme started. Tawakkal alallah, with an intention that at least I can make a mark for my fellows akhawat, I decided something that I didn’t set for myself in the early points in my life. Alhamdulillah despite the lonely journey (as always), I managed to finish it.

It’s amazing how life can be. When you were once sure of something you’ve decided but non-stop doubts came surging. I promised myself for 2017, to try as hard as possible not to be hesitant like I did in the past. Take up people’s advice but not to be influenced by them completely. Every decisions are yours to take and fate ordered by Allah. The people in our lives exist because Allah chose them to be. Not yours to choose. Read a piece wrote by a writer who knows what he’s talking about, given by a friend. The most striking point is this:

“What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right.”

Which brought me to question above. If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

I hope I can choose and face the consequences of the former.

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An open ending.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I did something that I haven’t done for a while. Bought a fiction, read from page to page and writing about it here.

It was love and loathe at the same time. When I finished the book, I youtubed Liszt’s Le mal du as played by Lazar Berman and unsprisingly, the comment thread was full of “Murakami brought me here”. The instrumental piece was splendid, beautiful and lace nicely with the plot written by Murakami. I can imagine Tsukuru sitting on a bench, drinking coffee, watching people pass by at the train station.

What I love.

Spoiler alert, the book has an open ending. I can imagine some people might hate it, and will be mind-boggled and thinking that ending was unfinished. Murakami had an unfinished business. (This is my first Murakami’s book so I can’t imagine if this was his typical style or not). But I loved the ending. I was left speechless and dumbstruck (in a positive way) after I finally reached the ending. I opened goodreads to read other people’s thought about the ending and I was in line with these people’s thoughts.

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I realized after a second or two, that it did not matter whether Tsukuru end up with Sara or not. What matters was Tsukuru had finally gone through the journey he’s been avoiding to board.

It was about a journey that I personally think every human being can relate to. It might be too dense, full of metaphor and philosophical for some people, but indeed it was a relatable journey to everyone. A life of a lonely man, a journey of growing up, friends you cherish, friends you eventually lost, secret crush on people you cherish, hardships of discovering what you are, going through depressions and stagnant point in your life. It was a relatable journey to everyone.

Some of the extracts from the book:

“No matter how quiet and conformist a person’s life seems, there’s always a time in the past when they reached an impasse. A time when they went a little crazy. I guess people need that sort of stage in their lives.”

Midorikawa said to young Haida: “Talent can be a nice thing to have sometimes. You look good, attract attention, and if you’re lucky, you make some money. Women flock to you. In that sense, having talent’s preferable to having none. But talent only functions when it’s supported by a tough, unyielding physical and mental focus. All it takes is one screw in your brain to come loose and fall off, or some connection in your body to break down, and your concentration vanishes, like the dew at dawn. A simple toothache, or stiff shoulders, and you can’t play the piano well. It’s true. I’ve actually experienced it. A single cavity, one aching shoulder, and the beautiful vision and sound I hoped to convey goes out the window. The human body’s that fragile. It’s a complex system that can be damaged by something trivial, ad in most cases once it’s damaged, it can’t easily be restored. A cavity or stiff shoulder you can get over, but there are a lot of things you can’t get past. If talent’s the foundation you rely on, and yet it’s so unreliable that you have no idea what’s going to happen to it the next minute, what meaning does it have?”

“Talent might be ephemeral,” Haide replied. “and there aren’t many people who can sustain it their whole lives. But talent makes a huge spiritual leap posible. It’s an almost universal, independent phenomenon that transcends the individual.”

What I hate.

What I hate about the book was the inappropriate descriptions about some of Tsukuru’s private life. I skipped a lot of pages for that as it turned me off. And I might be frowned upon if certain people know that I’m reading this. But it doesn’t matter really, because I know what I want to focus on when I’m reading. Plus, I have no idea what the book is about and I read the review of the book only briefly.

It’s been a while since I read a fiction and it’s very liberating, now. After I’m done with master, I finally thought it would be time to focus on my thoughts, my self-discovery that I’ve abandoned for so long. I understand that yourself is an asset regardless of what you are. You are an asset to the ummah. But if you feel unsure about who you are, your journey that you are going to take isn’t going to be worthwhile as it will cease to be consistent. So you need to know who you are, solidify yourself. Find what defines you.

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When I (can) still remember.

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In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Murakami wrote, “we can erase memories, but we can’t erase history”. (something like that lah). But i think otherwise. I think we can’t erase memories. We can be selective on memories that we want to keep but there are certain memories that will be stuck there forever, despite us wanting to get rid of them no matter how hard we tried. To an extent that we asked ourselves why. Why do they keep lingering in our box of memories. Not knowing why they are still there despite their insignificance.

Until you cry.

Because you know those are the memories that you sacredly cherish at the same time hate. Because they are consuming you from inside.

“No matter how hard you seek reasons, presented current problems as obstacles to let things happen, you know that they don’t matter. No matter how many people you asked, seek advices and opinions from, they don’t matter. What matters is how do you feel inside.” – Amni said those painful yet truthful words to me.

Oh Lord, please lead the heart where you want it to be.

 

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