2020

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“what is so frightening is the extent to which we may idealize others when we have such trouble tolerating ourselves – because we have such trouble…I must have realized that Chloe was only human, with all the implications carried by the word, but could I not be forgiven for my desire to suspend such a thought? Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over self-knowledge. We fall in love hoping we won’t find in another what we know is in ourselves, all the cowardice, weakness, laziness, dishonesty, compromise, and stupidity. We throw a cordon of love around the chosen one and decide that everything within it will somehow be free or our faults. We locate inside another a perfection that eludes us within ourselves, and through our union with the beloved, hope to maintain (against the evidence of all self-knowledge) a precarious faith in our species.

Why did this awareness not prevent my fall into love? Because the illogicality and childishness of my desire did not outweigh my need to believe. I knew the void that romantic intoxication could fill, I knew the exhilaration that comes from identifying someone, anyone, as admirable. Long before I had even laid eyes on Chloe, I must have needed to find in the face of another an integrity I had never caught sight of within myself.”

After a year of not writing anything here, the crisis somehow stopped the time, gave me an opportunity, open the door for me – it’s as if I’m a child busy playing at the playground with friends and neighbors around the same age as me, and suddenly a mother with her hands around her waist called up upon me, for me to hurry and come back home because it’s already almost Maghrib, and I have to wash up and perform my duties. Finally at 1.03am (the exact time of me writing this), on a Saturday night, almost 2 weeks after my 28th birthday, I finally get to sit down and write this. It’s like good (almost) old days of my students days in Cambridge and Coventry where I dedicated my late nights in writing to this blog, to reflect, to rant, to express, to despair and sometimes to be grateful.

About few months ago, something that I feared finally happened – which brought back my anxiety all over me again. This time, I had to face depression but Alhamdulillah I am on medication and it helped me tremendously, subhanallah. But that isn’t the reason why I’m writing again. To be quite honest, I’m scared of my thoughts for the past year that I’ve been avoiding myself. I tried to push myself, but I forgot the give a little love to myself and to allow my thoughts running free. I’ve lost the steering wheel and was under auto-pilot. I’ve almost forgotten who I am, what I’m yearning for, what I am struggling for.

Everyone is broken in their own way, but to let people dictate that I’m broken in a certain way, is truly heartbreaking. A few days ago, at around 2am, I texted a friend, “I think I’m super stressed”. I couldn’t sleep, sometimes I feel like I couldn’t breathe.

Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy and mad, and it scares me. It scares me that people could not accept the craziness that I am. People are scared, and sometimes truly I think they are. Why in the world am I doing what I’m doing? Why do you this despite everything else that you’re doing? Why those things bother you so much? Why do you have to trouble yourself?

Honestly, I do not know why. What I know, is that I have these thoughts and sometimes my train of thoughts scares people. I know this because sometimes it scares me too. I feel like I live in my own world, afraid that no one will get it. Which is perhaps why I cancel my engagement last time. People do not get me. But, I get it know. It’s okay to be insane. And not everybody has to get that. It’s okay to be madly insane sometimes. Taking Rumi’s in his This Useless Heart:

Heart, since you embraced the mysteries,
you have become useless for anything else.
Go mad, don’t stay sane.
People meditate to get something.
All you do is give.
Crazy Majnun’s priorities are now yours, too.

If you want to be respectable,
why do you go downtown drunk?
It’s no good just sitting in some corner,
once you’ve made friends
with the dissolute of this path.

Go back to the dessert;
leave this shabby town.
There’s the smell of a tavern
somewhere in this neighbourhood,
and it’s already got you high.

Now follow it.
Go to Qaf Mountain like the Simurgh,
leave these owls and herons.
Go into the thicket of Reality like a lion.

Why linger with hyenas and dogs?
Don’t go after the scent of Joseph’s shirt,
like Jacob, his father,
you have already mourned his death.

It breaks my heart, the verse – you have already mourned his death. It’s time to move on. Leave those who do not believe in you. It’s not worth investing to those who are afraid of you. Instead, invest in yourself and seek for eternal blessings insyaAllah. The path might be a lonely one. But you’ve come this far, destined alone by Him. So you will be fine. You’ll break and fall again multiple times. Doubt yourself, like you are now. But you’ll pick yourself again. Again and again and again and again and again.

You are living in the course of history, so try to make one for yourself.

Do not let crisis goes to waste. Do not let it go to waste.

berusaha mengatur irama yang terkadang terasa bergerak terlalu cepat

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

now listening: “taste” by Sleeping at Last.

2 years ago, I came back from 6 years of abroad in the UK. Since 2018 is coming to an end in a month or so, I think it would be nice to bring forth some reflections of mine. And partly because I found a song to play on loop that has injected the adrenaline and strong urge to write this. (please refer to the song above).

As a self-proclaimed writer (who mostly writes in her head), I would like to reiterate what I’ve been thinking and drafting in my head for a while now but I couldn’t seem to put it out in writing. So, this is me trying to do so. A writer will most probably faces two kinds of dilemmas. One – she would be afraid that she would reveal too much to possible readers. Two – she would be afraid that she would reveal too little to possible readers. In my case, it would most probably the second one. Which, might explains why I stopped writing (but most probably it was due to me not having much time and access to my blog for the past years). Out of all other blogs I created, I never kill this one. Despite the deserting space and absence of consistent posts one or twice every months, i never want to kill this. Because it’s bits and pieces of how I’ve grown (and not grown).

Since I came back from the UK, I’ve struggled (mostly to adapt). But I learnt not to compare, and ignite the nostalgic soul within me. Because most of it will hurt me, honestly. Before I came back home for good, I decided to give myself a year to adapt, and find myself and what I want to with my life the most. Apparently, it isn’t easy as I thought it would. I gave myself 2 years now (almost).

Always a work in progress

For the past one year, I was struggling with my new job. I never imagined myself working in a corporate environment, mainly because I hated it. I hate the 9-5 job, where I have to dress properly to work and especially wake up early to clock in early in the morning. I simply hated it. I had the privilege of having personal freedom in my first job, but hard decision had to be made which brought me to this current job. Despite that, I am grateful. Perhaps Allah is allowing me to learn somewhere else first, especially from a big organisation before I proceed with my own thing. From where I am, my learning curve has been exponential and quite steep – work-wise and human-wise. I thought i can pin down what I want to do, where I want to be, who I am after two years of working in the real world. Turn out, you don’t. What I am currently learning now is you are always a work in progress. You will never be perfect in the form and shape of who you are. you can never finalize the form and shape of who you are because the moment you think you can finally do that, is the moment you stop to learn and grow.

Puzzle in your head will keep you alive

For the past one year, I muted temporarily the voices and the puzzle in my head. this is the puzzle in how the world works and how you see the world. I wanted to unravel some of the puzzles but decided to muted it for a while and let life takes me where it wants. i did. I was content but i ignited it back again when I attended the hikma fellowship. i bought books again, i read (or try) to read more and wallahi. it is keeping me alive. let me reiterate what are the kind of puzzles in my head – “how would decolonization unravel the non-eurocentric form and framework/worldview?” – i’m still working on it. sounds like i’m writing a music piece ite? hehe. insyaAllah if Allah allows me to put more work on it.

Surrender to the workings of Allah

This might be the most difficult to do. Of course you have free will but you are also subject to Allah’s workings, which is difficult because you never know what is He writing for you. or what He destined you to be. My best friend lost her first born and it excruciating to experience. but it was also a gift from Him that she will forever treasure. You will never know what He destined for you. For the past 2 years, I spend most of my time crying to Allah while driving. That is the most serene, peaceful time I can get with Allah, besides prayers on my prayer mat. I hope He listens to me again, hold me again, and choose me again. At times i thought, maybe i’m not destined to be in this path, (especially dakwah) where i am most tested with the lack of time and energy that i have. but it would be a betrayal if i don’t walk the talk and pursue what is in my head, where He had given me the light, the sparks and the spirit to do the works. it would be a betrayal indeed. Despite being alone, not in a perfect form spiritually, mentally and physically, i would choose You thousand times over. Despite being brokenhearted thousand times over where people left, I would choose You thousand times over because You are my reason of being. You never leave. that’s why i pray that you wake me up at 4am despite me hitting the snooze, that’s why i pray that you give me a parking spot. that’s why i pray that whatever i choose, is because i want to choose what You want for me not what I want. i pray that You would be there and help me to manifest my love and ambition. despite being alone and in an imperfect form, i would choose You thousand times over.

Don’t settle.

Someone said to me that i can never forget for a while now: “are you okay? you’re not taking care of yourself much now, right?”. honestly, i hated that kind of question. Yes, i’m not perfect in my being and not always look the best form. and yes, maybe i’ve not been taking care of myself much nowadays. which is why, i should starting with working with my allergies again. Put that aside, finally, I know something. I cannot be at one place for a long time. i was privileged enough that my work allows me to travel to certain places. but i was not as lucky as i travel not purely pursue what i want. so, i know myself now. I can never be in one place for a very long time. who knows where i might be next?

Moga dengan kejahilan ini, Allah masih bersama kita. Dalam sifat kemanusiaan kita yang serba kekurangan ini, Allah masih memilih. Moga kita terus berusaha membagi waktu dan tenaga untuk berpindah tempat, dan mengatur irama yang terkadanag terasa bergerak terlalu cepat, kaki melangkah mengendalikan arah. Dan tangan mengepal pengendalikan genggam.

in the meantime, let me give what ‘taste’ feels like:

i am alive. i am awake. i am aware of what light tastes like. the curtains drawn, the table set; i want to be. i want to be at my best.

it’s bittersweet, it’s poetry. a careful pruning of my dead leaves. it’s holy ground, a treasure chest. i’m on my knees and only scratch the surface.

like fists unraveling, like glass unshattering. we’re breaking all the rules, we’re breaking bread again. we’re swallowing light ’til we’re fixed from the inside

out of the woods, out of the dark, i’m well aware of the shadows in my heart. i want to feel tectonic shifts. i want to be. i want to be astonished. i want to be astonished. so i propose a toast:

to fists unraveling, to glass unshattering. to breaking all the rules, to breaking bread again. we’re swallowing light, we’re swallowing our pride. we’re raising our glass ’til we’re fixed from the inside. ’til we’re fixed from the inside.

we’re nothing less than a work in progress, sacred text on post it notes. we only speak of a world in pieces, let’s make a map of what matters most, where every fracture is a running river leading us back to our golden coasts. here’s to showing up:

That arrow is me, sleep-deprived, working at the eleventh hour to make the conference a success along with other peeps.

some of the wonderful humans that makes work bearable and fun at times.

I guess i will always be the woman standing (or sitting) among lads, when it comes to work. These are all my seniors whom i work with for the conference.

privileged to meet one of the phenomenal Malaysian photographer, Yusuf Hashim.

True North

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Despite the difficulty, I learn a lot from my bosses. I have tough mentors. (more like multiple tough mentors). The toughest and most electrifying is my Deputy CEO. Since election, our office is a bit haywire as we have to do some lobby works and policy enhancements. But that wasn’t what I want to talk about. Last week, when we had a post mortem on our research and presentation, and he suddenly talked about True North. A woman leader who trained at MOSSAD, talked about true north.

True north is your purpose, who are true to themselves and to their believes. it wil be the time where you feel spiritually grounded, you felt your actions flowed form a sense of being at home in yourself, being at one with you best self and your truest values. Where you feel spiritually centered. Some might has already discovered their true north, some might still working it out and try to figure out where and what is it. It is not only your moral compass but your purpose compass.

This has brought me thinking of who i am and what i want to be or hope to be. but that is still the hardest question. one of the easiest question is to think what scared you the most. what scared me the most is turning to an auto-drive mode and also being with someone who doesn’t share the same mission. auto-drive mode is something along the lines in using the GPS/Gmap/Waze. it enables us to not have to think where we simple told to do. no need to be aware of where we are, or how to get there where we want to go. A compass placess greater responsibility for awareness and choice in our hands.

As we develop an awareness of what greater or lesser well-being feels like, as we learn to distinguish when we are moving toward or away from that well-being, we develop a foundation for truer choices. we find north by attuning to a sense of sacredness or wholeness – within both ourselves and others. when we lose that attunement, or feel cut off from it, when we cant sense in which direction our wholeness lies, the choices we make may not be informed by what is best for ourselves or others. following that compass, the path may be winding, but we can trust that the direction is true.

en route to your true north, you will face setbacks, resistance, sometimes what you do is insignificant and you’ll feel dispensable. But being true to your true north, will provide you the strength through the storm. It will be your guide.

Today had been extremely hard. I broke down, i felt dispensable, i felt incompetent. I slipped, and lost my way from His path. i was exhausated and lonely. i took for granted the blessings He gave me. i took granted of the hidayah He gave me.

for the longest time, i can finally cry and sleep.

Thesis.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I am in the midst of searching for the right topic.

for PhD. insyaAllah. May Allah have mercy and provide guidance for me.

An honest feeling

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merficul.

I have to be completely honest. I felt happier when I was in IRIS than where I am now.

This is in terms of the long-term mission.

I am considering this phase as a preparation phase. I am preparing myself for something slightly bigger, heavier and harder. It will be a lonely journey. So, may Allah have mercy with me and be with me always.

Journal-ing

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I lost my journal. This year, I tried doing two journal-ing this year. One for my life plan, to do list and another one is more of a writing-thoughts journal. I lost the life plan journal. More of a misplacing it.

I think I need to revolutionize my life. By making my life more minimalistic.

Coincidently, I had a programme yesterday. After a while, we decided to gather ex-ISMA Eropah-ians. It was nerve-wrecking. I was not in my best state at the moment. Sleep-deprived, and mentally exhausted. i hate to admit it but perhaps work has taking its toll on me. And I suddenly had a revelation about my work/career. I enjoyed my work. Especially the learning part and new discovery. But I’m not enjoying the part where I was urged to be in the comfort zone. This might be a bit tricky. But that isn’t the main point here. I don’t want to talk about my work when I don’t think I am ready to.

There are a few takeaways from yesterday.

1. Sorga
Akh Khair’s session was reviving. As usual. He asked us about the things that you want the most and list them To be honest, I only had two things on my mind. It was the same thing when Billie asked me that she’s en route for her umrah and if I had any duaa’ to kirim to her. I only had two things in my mind. But what strucked me was, when AK asked if anyone had heaven on their list. And i didnt have it on my list. Which makes me sad and angry at the same time.

It isn’t really important of what we want in life. What’s important is what we want after it. Which eventually makes our life easier. Life has not been easy for me personally, and I think this applies to most of my generation out there. But, when you think about the end game, everything else seems trivial. It isn’t about China’s domination, teh rise of liberal agenda, the inadequacy of Malaysian savings, the increase in cost of living, but it’s about the end game. Sorga. If you think about the end game, everything else seems trivial.

2. Milestone in Life
If you fail to plan, you fail to plan. This seems cliche but it’s very much true. to what extent do you plan your life 5 years onwards? 10 years onwards, 20 years onwards? Yes, surely that you can only plan and Allah will eventually decide what’s best for you. Let me share my previous plan. Since I’m 25, let’s just reflect whether I managed to reach my previous goals. When I was doing my degree and towards the end of my final year, I plan to get married. So get married at 24, and the pursue my Masters and finish masters by 25. Perhaps by then, I have one kid and my and my spouse would decide where to settle down because I was thinking to work abroad – in a think tank that I already had in mind (ideally in the UK because I’m quite familiar and comfortable with it). Plus, i would be able to continue and serve ISMA UK and pursue with all the plans that I had with Media UK. and maybe spend 2-3 years abroad in the UK to build my personal growth. I aim to reach out, touch more hearts when I can.

Fast forward a few years, after I graduated, I didn’t manage to be married. but I had the choice to continue my masters, and I went with it despite not feeling confident. But because perhaps my presence was needed in the UK, I went with it anyway knowing that I wasnt ready. I graduated my masters at 24 despite nearly failing it. I had to go back, ditch my plan to work in the UK because I had more timely responsibility towards my family. I started working in IRIS. A place where I had faith and cherish the most. But halfway through, I had to leave. Broke my heart, but I had to proceed with my responsibility for a while, develop and grow. I am turning 26, not yet married, without a child, working in a corporate-ish environment. I barely touch people’s hearts now as I couldnt. I’m not saying that Im not grateful and otherwise but the power of a plan. If you’re not clear of it, you’ll be doom. Since I recently lost my journal, I have to reset, reboot and start over. InsyaAllah. But my ultimate ambition now is to be a housewife. A housewife who reads and write. But first, I have to be a wife.

3. Melancholic Memories

Melancholic memories will remind you of how much you’ve grown.

end.

Words

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Love is a torturous noun, verb and adjective.

It is 12:37am and I should be sleeping. But, as usual, I just want to get this thing out of my chest. Here’s my thoughts on love. It is not a torturous thing, because it will be a misnomer. It is a torturous noun, verb and adjective altogether.

When you fell in love with something, it is very hard to do justice on that action. The act of loving something is very very difficult. If you love your mom, sometimes you need to sacrifice in order to justice on that act of loving that you are doing. You might not be able to serve and be there for her 24/7, but your absence is part of loving her. You love with dnt, yet it is very torturing when you need to put aside your lack of strength, energy being and somehow figure out to go to that one meeting, or seeing the people you need to see.

It is a torturous noun because sometimes it is very difficult to get grasp of it. Your interest, your thoughts, your ambitions are love yet it is very very very difficult to figure out and to understand what it is that you love. Economics and politics and the field around them are love yet it ain’t easy to figure them out.

It is a torturous adjective because sometimes it comes uninvited when it shouldn’t even be near you.

IMG_20161025_173842

Throwback to Winter 2016 in Scotland after hiking. Macam kak Sarah ckp, “we nailed winter body”

Now playing: One Day At A Time

“So let’s sit by an English river
‘Til the water runs dry”

nostalgic

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

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It’s weird that we long for memories. We are missing the moments, where things seems to be prettier, easier and much more beautiful. We find it difficult to appreciate the things that we are now. So here is a reminder. Things are beautiful now, no matter matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard it gets, things are beautiful now. It’s okay to be alone, because you truly never are. Run back to Him and He’ll come back to you. It’ll be okay. It’ll be just fine.

Pahlawan adalah orang orang yang melakukan pekerjaan pekerjaan kecil dalam diam hingga waktunya habis.

lone.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying from last night. From Kl to Subang and later to Nilai, I drove until 1am. Half of the journey was driven while crying. The fact that my best friend is getting married is finally sinking in. And honestly, it hurts. I am beyond happy for her as she finally found the one. the one she finally chose to bear and go the journey together with. But as for me, I will lose my soulmate. It left me feeling lonelier than ever. It hurts to an extent that I was not able to look her in the eyes. I’ll lose my person.

it’s hard to be alone. it has been a struggle since i work in kl. im never in one place, settled. i cant fulfill the demands that were asked of me. the responsibilities that i should bear, im having a hard time coping. im supposed to go to a training in bangi at this moment of time, but my hands and feet are tied. im a bit hopeless, and clueless. not knowing what to do.

Oh Allah, I don’t know what to do. Please…. help me. Please don’t leave me alone. I not good at it.

kawan

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“istilah kawan ni besar. Kita mmg takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing2. tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit kita akan rasa sakit dia. bila dia happy kita happy.”

A childhood friend just lost her dear sister and Amni texted this to us. My school years in primary and high school was trying to figure out what friendship was. My school years abroad was the period where I was trying to figure out who I am (which it is still a work in progress).

Amni always teach me something in life since we were standard 3. Besides family, friends are the most important element in your life. They saw us grow, bloom, fall, break and rise up again. When I was at the brink of failure in my first year, amni and anis accompanied me studying through skype. When I failed a few papers in my first year, I thought of going back for good to Malaysia. But these two came all the way from Malaysia to the UK in the summer to see me. and now we are already 25 years old living our lives separately and yet we tried to see each other as much as we can. kita memang takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing-masing tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit, kita akan rasa sakit dia. We are struggling with our own struggle, living our own lives. Some struggling to find a permanent job, some struggling to love their job, some struggling to find ends meet for our family, some struggling not see our mothers cry out of sadness, some struggling to put a wedding together, some struggling to resolve parking issue. How miniscule our struggle are, they are still struggles. And subhanallah I pray that I can keep my dear friends here till the very end of time and until jannah. and I pray that I will end up with my best friend, partner in crime. Amin.