Cheeks will dry in time.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

My brother said something exceptional,

“If i’ve never met your sister in law a few years back, I would have never been married until today.”

 

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Rooting for you.

One of my 2017 resolution this year is to hesitate no more. But honestly, it is hard. I am learning and pushing myself but it’s hard 🙂

Listening to London Grammar is like being in my element. The memories of strolling around city centre in coventry and cambridge came into my mind.

“And I should let it go
But all that is left is my perspective, broken and so left behind again”

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Mayday.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Since it’s mayday, I thought, “why don’t I write about my thoughts on being a worker, trying to earn a living while making my life worth it?”

I finished my masters in October 2016, went back for good after i spent almost 6 years in the UK in November 2016, started working (I mean, serious work here) in January 2017. Hence, it has been almost four months or so? Yep, about four months. So like any other fresh graduates out there, who was once yearning to go out on the ‘real world’ and do ‘real job’, I was too. Except that I didn’t have any clear path on what I really want to do (or maybe most of fresh grads didn’t have any clue too). I remember the days where I wanted to be an architect, because I liked art but being a painter would make my life quite difficult especially if I want to sell my paintings. One has to be truly exceptional to earn a living as a painter. I also remember the days when I wanted to be like my mother, and climb up the career ladder, being a manager in the corporate world and all. Just to show that women have guts too. But who would’ve thought that I would graduate as a social science student, with a masters in IPE. Plus, I’ve always wanted to study abroad, but I never thought I would spend 6 years of my life overseas. But I did. Damage done. LOL no-lah. And I still remember how I rejected JPA’s offer for me to go to Japan because my parents forced me to. LOL. no-lah. It’s a blessings in disguise too, apparently. And here I am, trying to write my thoughts of being a worker.

Being a worker, I thought was the time of one’s life. Go out in the morning, come back home in the evening, and got paid.

“you finally get to go out to the real world”

But it isn’t as easy as it looks like.

They say millenials are lazy. They are too picky. They jump jobs too frequently. But Poswolsky  said that millenials generation are simply full of aspirations. They are a generation that are yearning to make a change, wanted to find meaning in what they do, in their workplace, find a work that makes your heart sing, creates impact, and pays rent (or food in Malaysian case). So, commemorating my four months-versary (I doubt that I spelled it right), here are my thoughts on being a worker:

1. Live a life worth living.
As I was about to graduate, I considered applying for jobs in the UK, but I received abah’s text, “ten, balik Msia lah. Farah needs you here.” Like a mutant receiving Professor X’s order, I decided to go back home for good. Gus’ fear in The Fault in Our Stars is oblivion. Mine? is not being able to make my life worth living. Holding on to that aphorism, I took a job that some advised me not to. I was optimistic as I believed what I believe. I had faith in the fight I believed worth fighting. As Poswolsky said, it is crucial to find your purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. Maybe at the time being, it’s about earning experience, exposure regardless if it’s not related to your degree. Maybe you just want to earn money. Or maybe your purpose now is to go into the corporate world. Maybe it’s to pursue you graduate study, maybe it’s to make people’s life better and do charity work. Or maybe you just want to change the world to be a better place to live in. But make sure to have a purpose as life goes along. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. It should.

2. Take a risk and jump that cliff.
I ventured into a field that isn’t popular. And perhaps, there is very little market for it locally. I’m not even sure where will it’s going to bring me in the next few years. But I decided to just jump that cliff. It is not a secure work that would promise you a high remuneration but it is something that everyone would willing to do. So, I thought, why don’t give it a try?

3. Always try to put your heart out.
Somewhere along the line, you will get demotivated. Sometimes, that day isn’t just your day. Sometimes you feel like you just not doing things that you like. Or enjoy. It’s normal. Despite that, just try to put your heart out in every work that you do. Some days you will feel useless, or you will feel, “i’m not qualified to this kind of job”, sometimes you’ve been spending hours and hours in your office/cubicle in front of the computer but achieved nothing. It’s normal and despite that, just try to put your heart in everything – if you feel like doing a bad job, make sure you put your heart in doing a bad job. It’s normal.

4.Learning does not end when you graduate.
Maybe if you graduate, with a degree in your hand or a masters certificate scroll, you might feel like you’re equipped with all the skills and expertise to handle the ‘real world’. You’re not. Learning does not end when you graduate. When you enter into the world of work, you actually continuing the process of learning – except that you get paid for it. Sounds cool ite? You might learn different things. How to handle your work (or how not to), how to be innovative and present new ideas, different perspectives, work with people with different perspectives, how to handle you emotional health and all sorts of things.

5. No matter how hard it gets, make sure have time for coffee, cendol or a stroll.
Due to the nature of my work, I decided that I have to make sure that I have time for coffee with friends, family and cendol with my anak-anak usrah. They say that the work you choose is synonymous with the life you choose. But to keep me sane, I know that it’s important to stitch people that matters in my life. Some people might call it escapism, but I call it personality theraphy. Yes, you are subscribed to a life you choose, work revolves around your life but try to make sure that it does not consume you. Especially when the friends that I have at the office are basically zero, I have to make sure that I’m still human at the end of the day and I am still me.

But one good lesson that I am learning is that – you need to have a purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing because it needs to. It’s what keeps you a purposeful human being. As you get older, the troubles and the problems that you face will become more complex and harder. But, life is too short to be unhappy and lost yourself. You can depend all you want on other people, feeling like grass is greener on the other side, but the grass is greener where you water it. Unless, it’s a really bad grass then it might be the time to change. I do not know how far this current life will take me but I am trying to keep my head up high.

Another thing, try not to be afraid of who you are and holding on to your dreams. Selagi tak melanggar syariat, jalani saja! I’ve been holding back on something that I really wanted to do. I guess, I should just start before I turn 50 and said, “I wished I had just submitted those photos and just try.”

p/s: Wrote this on the 1st of May but published it on the 2nd because Kenji decided to bite my laptop cable sampai putus. And, I spent about RM500 in PBAKL. Looks like Ramadhan is going to start a little bit early for me. LOL.

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She accompanied me doing work at a coffee shop. The most wonderful question that I received from her besides “u okay yang?” is, “will you be my bridesmaid?”

 

 

 

Youth

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I realized one pattern throughout my life.

1st July 2008 in my high school journal:

“did i ran away form your hidayah ya Allah?…. help your servant ya Allah…did i make a mistake?”

but the good thing is, I am determined to follow His hidayah, despite me being astrayed a few times 🙂

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Of fear.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Last night, when I was trying to do hafazan, Mak walked in and sat on the chair silently. She has this habit when she just wants to just check up upon her children. I never get to experience this when I was in the UK. and I missed it a lot.

Mak and Abah have been through quite a lot for the past few years but masyaAllah, I am  amazed by their tranquility. I have fears. i have fears quite a lot. But they taught me nothing is worth fearing except Allah. Sometimes you just feel like you’re at a dead end. Clueless of what you should do, what you should decide. To a point where you try seeking love and attention from something else, someone else. You wish you know what you should do. You wish you now what lies on the other side of taqdeer. You want to know everything. However, everything was not yours to know.

“Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over knowledge”

You will never know what Allah plans for you. But the only option is to trust Him and to work hard to fall in love with Him. Once fallen, it is the triumph of hope over knowledge.

“Tetapi Allah menjadikan kamu cinta kepada keimanan, dan menjadikan iman itu indah dalam hatimu, serta menjadikan kamu benci kepada kekafiran, kefasikan, dan kedurhakaan. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang mengikuti jalan yang lurus.”

allatif.jpeg

 

 

 

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I looked back.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Which brought me to question above. If you can choose types of regret and fear, would you choose regret by fear of saying something or fear of not saying anything?

I hope I can choose and face the consequences of the former.

I chose the former and I am facing the consequences.

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A Revelation (?)

I realize something. How does one reconcile with what she learns through tarbiah, and what is happening in this world? How can our perspectives and worldview be relevant in this world? Is it necessary to pick sides? More radically, is Islam truly compatible with the (capitalistic) world today and if so, why aren’t the leading entrepreneurs etc brings the Islamic values? Another radical question, is there any capitalistic values within Islam (or vice versa)?

In the midst of discovering my understanding of tarbiah and the how the world works today and will articulate the discussions and my thoughts later on. pinned.

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I want to run

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I want to run away
but I couldn’t.

I am still figuring it out
but I came to a dead end.

Oh Lord, please set my heart where you want it to be.

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What I like about – Here’s to fools

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Since I am having a brain malfunction and I have some time to spare during lunchhour (I make my own spare time act), I decided that I should write this and get it off my chest asap.

Now I understand the hype behind La La Land.

Hisan told me that it’s good and I’ll like it. Apparently, I loved it. After going through an emotional roller coaster last Friday, I decided to meet my brother and his wife, saying that “I need a hug”. Fortunately, they made/spent their time for/with me.

La La Land is about sentimentality.

That’s why it made people fall on their knees, unconsciously put on their best sad smile at the end of it because at some point in our lives, we will feel that way.

I fell in love with the phrase “city of stars, are you shining just for me?” as it reminds me of Sleeping at Last’s Saturn – “the the universe was made, just to be seen by my eyes.” Every individual in this world is unique in his or her own ways. Imagine 7 billion population of the world (2011), 29.72 million people in Malaysia (2013) or whatever million in your constituencies are, and you feel like everything in this universe was made just for you, and you alone. You are the chosen one by Allah to feel what you’re feeling now. Be it heart break, happiness like you’re on top of the world, falling in love, having your heart broken, loneliness, content loneliness, Allah chose you to feel that way, at this moment. Apparently, you are the chosen one.

I fell in love with the struggle of Seb and Mia. Someone wrote, “everyone in La La Land is wrestling with ambition”. It what makes you human. Seb’s words and Mia’s monologue/song were engraved in my mind ever since I heard them. Seb said to his sister (if i’m not mistaken), “I’m letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I’ll hit back. It’s a classic rope-a-dope.” Maybe it’s not your time yet, where you got stuck to a life you never imagine you would face, family condition that tested you to the core, things that led you to choose decisions you never really believe in but decide anyway but you still have to hold on to that sacred belief of yours. A belief that fate weren’t suppose to bring you down. That one day, you will hit back and be content.

I fell in love with The Fools Who Dream. It reminded me of Hisan’s birthday note when I turned 20.

“Have I gone mad?”

“I’m afraid so. You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are.”

p/s: let’s be mad bonkers

Turning 20 is something significant in one’s life. A transition from teen years to young adult period. There will be more huge and turning points decisions that you have to make. And ultimately be responsible on that decisions of yours. But most importantly, you have to dream your dream, not somebody else’s. Mia’s aunt told her that “a bit of madness is key to give us colour to see” just like the people who told me to be a mad bonker. We will be seen foolish, as our hearts will break, and we will make a mess that is inevitable. But that’s part of being foolish.

I fell in love with the sentimentality. The story is beyond Seb’s and Mia’s. So many people will be part of our lives where they were the most important people in the world. Their words and actions will affect yours, your worldview, you passion and ultimately they will affect your emotions. But at some point they will waltz out from your life, either you choose it be or fate led you to be. Ones that shape you but also the ones that you hardly ever see or will never see againyet the memories vividly got stuck in your memory box. I fell in love with the sentimentality because it brought me to the defining period of my life, to the defining people of my life. It brought me back to the times where theatre and musicals are the events I look forward to at the end of the week with my friends. It’s about real life scripts, real life emotions, real life actions. It brought me back to that awkward moment when I was watching Equus without doing any further research beforehand. But I look away and stared at my friend’s eyes instead. It brought me back to the lengthy conversations that I had with my friends in a little cafe surrounded by the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It brought me back to my first experience of witnessing snow falling at 3 in the morning after I sleptover at Hisan’s room. It brought me back to my lonely dark journey home by bicycle while watching swans singing to each other. It brought me back to my sacred and public mistake/sin that he pointed out.

I came back not only due to responsibilities, but to embark on a journey to understand who I am a little more, how my heart works. And subhanallah Allah had showed me in His own, subtle and harsh ways.

“So much just happens in you life, sometimes the people who most helped shaped you don’t register more than a knowing glance and a nod, like the one Mia and Seb share at the end.”

And sometimes the sentimentality that keeps you going.

And to hope that I’ll constantly be foolishly Yours.

 

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