Words

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Love is a torturous noun, verb and adjective.

It is 12:37am and I should be sleeping. But, as usual, I just want to get this thing out of my chest. Here’s my thoughts on love. It is not a torturous thing, because it will be a misnomer. It is a torturous noun, verb and adjective altogether.

When you fell in love with something, it is very hard to do justice on that action. The act of loving something is very very difficult. If you love your mom, sometimes you need to sacrifice in order to justice on that act of loving that you are doing. You might not be able to serve and be there for her 24/7, but your absence is part of loving her. You love with dnt, yet it is very torturing when you need to put aside your lack of strength, energy being and somehow figure out to go to that one meeting, or seeing the people you need to see.

It is a torturous noun because sometimes it is very difficult to get grasp of it. Your interest, your thoughts, your ambitions are love yet it is very very very difficult to figure out and to understand what it is that you love. Economics and politics and the field around them are love yet it ain’t easy to figure them out.

It is a torturous adjective because sometimes it comes uninvited when it shouldn’t even be near you.

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Throwback to Winter 2016 in Scotland after hiking. Macam kak Sarah ckp, “we nailed winter body”

Now playing: One Day At A Time

“So let’s sit by an English river
‘Til the water runs dry”

 

 

 

 

 

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nostalgic

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

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It’s weird that we long for memories. We are missing the moments, where things seems to be prettier, easier and much more beautiful. We find it difficult to appreciate the things that we are now. So here is a reminder. Things are beautiful now, no matter matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard it gets, things are beautiful now. It’s okay to be alone, because you truly never are. Run back to Him and He’ll come back to you. It’ll be okay. It’ll be just fine.

Pahlawan adalah orang orang yang melakukan pekerjaan pekerjaan kecil dalam diam hingga waktunya habis.

 

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lone.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying from last night. From Kl to Subang and later to Nilai, I drove until 1am. Half of the journey was driven while crying. The fact that my best friend is getting married is finally sinking in. And honestly, it hurts. I am beyond happy for her as she finally found the one. the one she finally chose to bear and go the journey together with. But as for me, I will lose my soulmate. It left me feeling lonelier than ever. It hurts to an extent that I was not able to look her in the eyes. I’ll lose my person.

it’s hard to be alone. it has been a struggle since i work in kl. im never in one place, settled. i cant fulfill the demands that were asked of me. the responsibilities that i should bear, im having a hard time coping. im supposed to go to a training in bangi at this moment of time, but my hands and feet are tied. im a bit hopeless, and clueless. not knowing what to do.

Oh Allah, I don’t know what to do. Please…. help me. Please don’t leave me alone. I not good at it.

 

 

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kawan

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“istilah kawan ni besar. Kita mmg takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing2. tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit kita akan rasa sakit dia. bila dia happy kita happy.”

A childhood friend just lost her dear sister and Amni texted this to us. My school years in primary and high school was trying to figure out what friendship was. My school years abroad was the period where I was trying to figure out who I am (which it is still a work in progress).

Amni always teach me something in life since we were standard 3. Besides family, friends are the most important element in your life. They saw us grow, bloom, fall, break and rise up again. When I was at the brink of failure in my first year, amni and anis accompanied me studying through skype. When I failed a few papers in my first year, I thought of going back for good to Malaysia. But these two came all the way from Malaysia to the UK in the summer to see me. and now we are already 25 years old living our lives separately and yet we tried to see each other as much as we can. kita memang takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing-masing tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit, kita akan rasa sakit dia. We are struggling with our own struggle, living our own lives. Some struggling to find a permanent job, some struggling to love their job, some struggling to find ends meet for our family, some struggling not see our mothers cry out of sadness, some struggling to put a wedding together, some struggling to resolve parking issue. How miniscule our struggle are, they are still struggles. And subhanallah I pray that I can keep my dear friends here till the very end of time and until jannah. and I pray that I will end up with my best friend, partner in crime. Amin.

The time when they surprised me at the airport when I came back for good to Malaysia

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IMG_2017-07-20 13:39:08Trip to the beach after a while

IMG_2017-07-20 13:38:09.jpgto more ups, downs, breaks, love and adventures together.

 

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Cheeks will dry in time.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

My brother said something exceptional,

“If i’ve never met your sister in law a few years back, I would have never been married until today.”

 

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Rooting for you.

One of my 2017 resolution this year is to hesitate no more. But honestly, it is hard. I am learning and pushing myself but it’s hard 🙂

Listening to London Grammar is like being in my element. The memories of strolling around city centre in coventry and cambridge came into my mind.

“And I should let it go
But all that is left is my perspective, broken and so left behind again”

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Mayday.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Since it’s mayday, I thought, “why don’t I write about my thoughts on being a worker, trying to earn a living while making my life worth it?”

I finished my masters in October 2016, went back for good after i spent almost 6 years in the UK in November 2016, started working (I mean, serious work here) in January 2017. Hence, it has been almost four months or so? Yep, about four months. So like any other fresh graduates out there, who was once yearning to go out on the ‘real world’ and do ‘real job’, I was too. Except that I didn’t have any clear path on what I really want to do (or maybe most of fresh grads didn’t have any clue too). I remember the days where I wanted to be an architect, because I liked art but being a painter would make my life quite difficult especially if I want to sell my paintings. One has to be truly exceptional to earn a living as a painter. I also remember the days when I wanted to be like my mother, and climb up the career ladder, being a manager in the corporate world and all. Just to show that women have guts too. But who would’ve thought that I would graduate as a social science student, with a masters in IPE. Plus, I’ve always wanted to study abroad, but I never thought I would spend 6 years of my life overseas. But I did. Damage done. LOL no-lah. And I still remember how I rejected JPA’s offer for me to go to Japan because my parents forced me to. LOL. no-lah. It’s a blessings in disguise too, apparently. And here I am, trying to write my thoughts of being a worker.

Being a worker, I thought was the time of one’s life. Go out in the morning, come back home in the evening, and got paid.

“you finally get to go out to the real world”

But it isn’t as easy as it looks like.

They say millenials are lazy. They are too picky. They jump jobs too frequently. But Poswolsky  said that millenials generation are simply full of aspirations. They are a generation that are yearning to make a change, wanted to find meaning in what they do, in their workplace, find a work that makes your heart sing, creates impact, and pays rent (or food in Malaysian case). So, commemorating my four months-versary (I doubt that I spelled it right), here are my thoughts on being a worker:

1. Live a life worth living.
As I was about to graduate, I considered applying for jobs in the UK, but I received abah’s text, “ten, balik Msia lah. Farah needs you here.” Like a mutant receiving Professor X’s order, I decided to go back home for good. Gus’ fear in The Fault in Our Stars is oblivion. Mine? is not being able to make my life worth living. Holding on to that aphorism, I took a job that some advised me not to. I was optimistic as I believed what I believe. I had faith in the fight I believed worth fighting. As Poswolsky said, it is crucial to find your purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. Maybe at the time being, it’s about earning experience, exposure regardless if it’s not related to your degree. Maybe you just want to earn money. Or maybe your purpose now is to go into the corporate world. Maybe it’s to pursue you graduate study, maybe it’s to make people’s life better and do charity work. Or maybe you just want to change the world to be a better place to live in. But make sure to have a purpose as life goes along. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing. It should.

2. Take a risk and jump that cliff.
I ventured into a field that isn’t popular. And perhaps, there is very little market for it locally. I’m not even sure where will it’s going to bring me in the next few years. But I decided to just jump that cliff. It is not a secure work that would promise you a high remuneration but it is something that everyone would willing to do. So, I thought, why don’t give it a try?

3. Always try to put your heart out.
Somewhere along the line, you will get demotivated. Sometimes, that day isn’t just your day. Sometimes you feel like you just not doing things that you like. Or enjoy. It’s normal. Despite that, just try to put your heart out in every work that you do. Some days you will feel useless, or you will feel, “i’m not qualified to this kind of job”, sometimes you’ve been spending hours and hours in your office/cubicle in front of the computer but achieved nothing. It’s normal and despite that, just try to put your heart in everything – if you feel like doing a bad job, make sure you put your heart in doing a bad job. It’s normal.

4.Learning does not end when you graduate.
Maybe if you graduate, with a degree in your hand or a masters certificate scroll, you might feel like you’re equipped with all the skills and expertise to handle the ‘real world’. You’re not. Learning does not end when you graduate. When you enter into the world of work, you actually continuing the process of learning – except that you get paid for it. Sounds cool ite? You might learn different things. How to handle your work (or how not to), how to be innovative and present new ideas, different perspectives, work with people with different perspectives, how to handle you emotional health and all sorts of things.

5. No matter how hard it gets, make sure have time for coffee, cendol or a stroll.
Due to the nature of my work, I decided that I have to make sure that I have time for coffee with friends, family and cendol with my anak-anak usrah. They say that the work you choose is synonymous with the life you choose. But to keep me sane, I know that it’s important to stitch people that matters in my life. Some people might call it escapism, but I call it personality theraphy. Yes, you are subscribed to a life you choose, work revolves around your life but try to make sure that it does not consume you. Especially when the friends that I have at the office are basically zero, I have to make sure that I’m still human at the end of the day and I am still me.

But one good lesson that I am learning is that – you need to have a purpose. And it’s okay if it keeps on changing because it needs to. It’s what keeps you a purposeful human being. As you get older, the troubles and the problems that you face will become more complex and harder. But, life is too short to be unhappy and lost yourself. You can depend all you want on other people, feeling like grass is greener on the other side, but the grass is greener where you water it. Unless, it’s a really bad grass then it might be the time to change. I do not know how far this current life will take me but I am trying to keep my head up high.

Another thing, try not to be afraid of who you are and holding on to your dreams. Selagi tak melanggar syariat, jalani saja! I’ve been holding back on something that I really wanted to do. I guess, I should just start before I turn 50 and said, “I wished I had just submitted those photos and just try.”

p/s: Wrote this on the 1st of May but published it on the 2nd because Kenji decided to bite my laptop cable sampai putus. And, I spent about RM500 in PBAKL. Looks like Ramadhan is going to start a little bit early for me. LOL.

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She accompanied me doing work at a coffee shop. The most wonderful question that I received from her besides “u okay yang?” is, “will you be my bridesmaid?”

 

 

 

Youth

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I realized one pattern throughout my life.

1st July 2008 in my high school journal:

“did i ran away form your hidayah ya Allah?…. help your servant ya Allah…did i make a mistake?”

but the good thing is, I am determined to follow His hidayah, despite me being astrayed a few times 🙂

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Of fear.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Last night, when I was trying to do hafazan, Mak walked in and sat on the chair silently. She has this habit when she just wants to just check up upon her children. I never get to experience this when I was in the UK. and I missed it a lot.

Mak and Abah have been through quite a lot for the past few years but masyaAllah, I am  amazed by their tranquility. I have fears. i have fears quite a lot. But they taught me nothing is worth fearing except Allah. Sometimes you just feel like you’re at a dead end. Clueless of what you should do, what you should decide. To a point where you try seeking love and attention from something else, someone else. You wish you know what you should do. You wish you now what lies on the other side of taqdeer. You want to know everything. However, everything was not yours to know.

“Every fall into love involves the triumph of hope over knowledge”

You will never know what Allah plans for you. But the only option is to trust Him and to work hard to fall in love with Him. Once fallen, it is the triumph of hope over knowledge.

“Tetapi Allah menjadikan kamu cinta kepada keimanan, dan menjadikan iman itu indah dalam hatimu, serta menjadikan kamu benci kepada kekafiran, kefasikan, dan kedurhakaan. Mereka itulah orang-orang yang mengikuti jalan yang lurus.”

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