True North

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Despite the difficulty, I learn a lot from my bosses. I have tough mentors. (more like multiple tough mentors). The toughest and most electrifying is my Deputy CEO. Since election, our office is a bit haywire as we have to do some lobby works and policy enhancements. But that wasn’t what I want to talk about. Last week, when we had a post mortem on our research and presentation, and he suddenly talked about True North. A woman leader who trained at MOSSAD, talked about true north.

True north is your purpose, who are true to themselves and to their believes. it wil be the time where you feel spiritually grounded, you felt your actions flowed form a sense of being at home in yourself, being at one with you best self and your truest values. Where you feel spiritually centered. Some might has already discovered their true north, some might still working it out and try to figure out where and what is it. It is not only your moral compass but your purpose compass.

This has brought me thinking of who i am and what i want to be or hope to be. but that is still the hardest question. one of the easiest question is to think what scared you the most. what scared me the most is turning to an auto-drive mode and also being with someone who doesn’t share the same mission. auto-drive mode is something along the lines in using the GPS/Gmap/Waze. it enables us to not have to think where we simple told to do. no need to be aware of where we are, or how to get there where we want to go. A compass placess greater responsibility for awareness and choice in our hands.

As we develop an awareness of what greater or lesser well-being feels like, as we learn to distinguish when we are moving toward or away from that well-being, we develop a foundation for truer choices. we find north by attuning to a sense of sacredness or wholeness – within both ourselves and others. when we lose that attunement, or feel cut off from it, when we cant sense in which direction our wholeness lies, the choices we make may not be informed by what is best for ourselves or others. following that compass, the path may be winding, but we can trust that the direction is true.

en route to your true north, you will face setbacks, resistance, sometimes what you do is insignificant and you’ll feel dispensable. But being true to your true north, will provide you the strength through the storm. It will be your guide.

Today had been extremely hard. I broke down, i felt dispensable, i felt incompetent. I slipped, and lost my way from His path. i was exhausated and lonely. i took for granted the blessings He gave me. i took granted of the hidayah He gave me.

for the longest time, i can finally cry and sleep.

 

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Thesis.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I am in the midst of searching for the right topic.

for PhD. insyaAllah. May Allah have mercy and provide guidance for me.

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An honest feeling

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merficul.

I have to be completely honest. I felt happier when I was in IRIS than where I am now.

This is in terms of the long-term mission.

I am considering this phase as a preparation phase. I am preparing myself for something slightly bigger, heavier and harder. It will be a lonely journey. So, may Allah have mercy with me and be with me always.

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Journal-ing

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I lost my journal. This year, I tried doing two journal-ing this year. One for my life plan, to do list and another one is more of a writing-thoughts journal. I lost the life plan journal. More of a misplacing it.

I think I need to revolutionize my life. By making my life more minimalistic.

Coincidently, I had a programme yesterday. After a while, we decided to gather ex-ISMA Eropah-ians. It was nerve-wrecking. I was not in my best state at the moment. Sleep-deprived, and mentally exhausted. i hate to admit it but perhaps work has taking its toll on me. And I suddenly had a revelation about my work/career. I enjoyed my work. Especially the learning part and new discovery. But I’m not enjoying the part where I was urged to be in the comfort zone. This might be a bit tricky. But that isn’t the main point here. I don’t want to talk about my work when I don’t think I am ready to.

There are a few takeaways from yesterday.

1. Sorga
Akh Khair’s session was reviving. As usual. He asked us about the things that you want the most and list them To be honest, I only had two things on my mind. It was the same thing when Billie asked me that she’s en route for her umrah and if I had any duaa’ to kirim to her. I only had two things in my mind. But what strucked me was, when AK asked if anyone had heaven on their list. And i didnt have it on my list. Which makes me sad and angry at the same time.

It isn’t really important of what we want in life. What’s important is what we want after it. Which eventually makes our life easier. Life has not been easy for me personally, and I think this applies to most of my generation out there. But, when you think about the end game, everything else seems trivial. It isn’t about China’s domination, teh rise of liberal agenda, the inadequacy of Malaysian savings, the increase in cost of living, but it’s about the end game. Sorga. If you think about the end game, everything else seems trivial.

2. Milestone in Life
If you fail to plan, you fail to plan. This seems cliche but it’s very much true. to what extent do you plan your life 5 years onwards? 10 years onwards, 20 years onwards? Yes, surely that you can only plan and Allah will eventually decide what’s best for you. Let me share my previous plan. Since I’m 25, let’s just reflect whether I managed to reach my previous goals. When I was doing my degree and towards the end of my final year, I plan to get married. So get married at 24, and the pursue my Masters and finish masters by 25. Perhaps by then, I have one kid and my and my spouse would decide where to settle down because I was thinking to work abroad – in a think tank that I already had in mind (ideally in the UK because I’m quite familiar and comfortable with it). Plus, i would be able to continue and serve ISMA UK and pursue with all the plans that I had with Media UK. and maybe spend 2-3 years abroad in the UK to build my personal growth. I aim to reach out, touch more hearts when I can.

Fast forward a few years, after I graduated, I didn’t manage to be married. but I had the choice to continue my masters, and I went with it despite not feeling confident. But because perhaps my presence was needed in the UK, I went with it anyway knowing that I wasnt ready. I graduated my masters at 24 despite nearly failing it. I had to go back, ditch my plan to work in the UK because I had more timely responsibility towards my family. I started working in IRIS. A place where I had faith and cherish the most. But halfway through, I had to leave. Broke my heart, but I had to proceed with my responsibility for a while, develop and grow. I am turning 26, not yet married, without a child, working in a corporate-ish environment. I barely touch people’s hearts now as I couldnt. I’m not saying that Im not grateful and otherwise but the power of a plan. If you’re not clear of it, you’ll be doom. Since I recently lost my journal, I have to reset, reboot and start over. InsyaAllah. But my ultimate ambition now is to be a housewife. A housewife who reads and write. But first, I have to be a wife.

3. Melancholic Memories

Melancholic memories will remind you of how much you’ve grown.

end.

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Words

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

Love is a torturous noun, verb and adjective.

It is 12:37am and I should be sleeping. But, as usual, I just want to get this thing out of my chest. Here’s my thoughts on love. It is not a torturous thing, because it will be a misnomer. It is a torturous noun, verb and adjective altogether.

When you fell in love with something, it is very hard to do justice on that action. The act of loving something is very very difficult. If you love your mom, sometimes you need to sacrifice in order to justice on that act of loving that you are doing. You might not be able to serve and be there for her 24/7, but your absence is part of loving her. You love with dnt, yet it is very torturing when you need to put aside your lack of strength, energy being and somehow figure out to go to that one meeting, or seeing the people you need to see.

It is a torturous noun because sometimes it is very difficult to get grasp of it. Your interest, your thoughts, your ambitions are love yet it is very very very difficult to figure out and to understand what it is that you love. Economics and politics and the field around them are love yet it ain’t easy to figure them out.

It is a torturous adjective because sometimes it comes uninvited when it shouldn’t even be near you.

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Throwback to Winter 2016 in Scotland after hiking. Macam kak Sarah ckp, “we nailed winter body”

Now playing: One Day At A Time

“So let’s sit by an English river
‘Til the water runs dry”

 

 

 

 

 

nostalgic

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

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It’s weird that we long for memories. We are missing the moments, where things seems to be prettier, easier and much more beautiful. We find it difficult to appreciate the things that we are now. So here is a reminder. Things are beautiful now, no matter matter how ugly it gets. No matter how hard it gets, things are beautiful now. It’s okay to be alone, because you truly never are. Run back to Him and He’ll come back to you. It’ll be okay. It’ll be just fine.

Pahlawan adalah orang orang yang melakukan pekerjaan pekerjaan kecil dalam diam hingga waktunya habis.

 

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lone.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop crying from last night. From Kl to Subang and later to Nilai, I drove until 1am. Half of the journey was driven while crying. The fact that my best friend is getting married is finally sinking in. And honestly, it hurts. I am beyond happy for her as she finally found the one. the one she finally chose to bear and go the journey together with. But as for me, I will lose my soulmate. It left me feeling lonelier than ever. It hurts to an extent that I was not able to look her in the eyes. I’ll lose my person.

it’s hard to be alone. it has been a struggle since i work in kl. im never in one place, settled. i cant fulfill the demands that were asked of me. the responsibilities that i should bear, im having a hard time coping. im supposed to go to a training in bangi at this moment of time, but my hands and feet are tied. im a bit hopeless, and clueless. not knowing what to do.

Oh Allah, I don’t know what to do. Please…. help me. Please don’t leave me alone. I not good at it.

 

 

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kawan

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

“istilah kawan ni besar. Kita mmg takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing2. tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit kita akan rasa sakit dia. bila dia happy kita happy.”

A childhood friend just lost her dear sister and Amni texted this to us. My school years in primary and high school was trying to figure out what friendship was. My school years abroad was the period where I was trying to figure out who I am (which it is still a work in progress).

Amni always teach me something in life since we were standard 3. Besides family, friends are the most important element in your life. They saw us grow, bloom, fall, break and rise up again. When I was at the brink of failure in my first year, amni and anis accompanied me studying through skype. When I failed a few papers in my first year, I thought of going back for good to Malaysia. But these two came all the way from Malaysia to the UK in the summer to see me. and now we are already 25 years old living our lives separately and yet we tried to see each other as much as we can. kita memang takde selalu untuk kawan kita sebab kita melalui hidup masing-masing tapi kita tahu bila dia sakit, kita akan rasa sakit dia. We are struggling with our own struggle, living our own lives. Some struggling to find a permanent job, some struggling to love their job, some struggling to find ends meet for our family, some struggling not see our mothers cry out of sadness, some struggling to put a wedding together, some struggling to resolve parking issue. How miniscule our struggle are, they are still struggles. And subhanallah I pray that I can keep my dear friends here till the very end of time and until jannah. and I pray that I will end up with my best friend, partner in crime. Amin.

The time when they surprised me at the airport when I came back for good to Malaysia

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IMG_2017-07-20 13:39:08Trip to the beach after a while

IMG_2017-07-20 13:38:09.jpgto more ups, downs, breaks, love and adventures together.

 

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Cheeks will dry in time.

In the name of Allah Most Gracious Most Merciful.

My brother said something exceptional,

“If i’ve never met your sister in law a few years back, I would have never been married until today.”

 

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Rooting for you.

One of my 2017 resolution this year is to hesitate no more. But honestly, it is hard. I am learning and pushing myself but it’s hard 🙂

Listening to London Grammar is like being in my element. The memories of strolling around city centre in coventry and cambridge came into my mind.

“And I should let it go
But all that is left is my perspective, broken and so left behind again”

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